[ jack's been driving for over ten hours without more of a break than pulling over to piss, seeing as he's the only one on the team that has driver access to his rover, but the caravan is finally taking a stop to stretch legs, nap, do whatever. he'd been thinking about d'artagnan and the couple of fights they'd had, one after the other, of late. it didn't escape him that, not only had d'artagnan not come to check on him at the RV point (usually he's the first in line to grab jack's face and mother hen him, just behind michelle), but he's been avoiding him for the entirity of the drive.
which, had, at first, made him pissed. because he is jack and nothing is ever his fault, it's always someone else being ridiculous, not him. for a few hours, he stewed in that, possibly hitting every rock and tree on his way just to jostle the back of the rover in a passive aggressive kind of bitterness for it. the next few hours after that, when he ran out of rationalizations to avoid the 'so i'm acting like a child' truth, it eventually waited out his petulance and became too clear not to admit to. after that? depression. loneliness. a bit of self-loathing. for god sake, he'd punched d'artagnan before and still hadn't gotten the cold shoulder from him then. how huge of an asshole had he been that he's now not even acknowledging jack's existence.
of course, it's not like jack had gone out of his way to approach him. he typically doesn't, with people. the default of his life had been 'they come to me, or they wait until i send someone else to order them here'. not that he hadn't gone to hang out with him on occassion, but more often than not, d'artagnan was the one who actually stood by accepted behavior of 'friend'. not that jack is incredibly well versed in what that's supposed to mean anyway.
so, once the rover pulls to a halt in a clear, and jack makes a loud groaning sound as he stands up from the drivers seat, stretching cramped legs, he's resigned to go find d'artagnan and... do something. tell him to hit him, maybe? let him tell him how big of a prick he is? make him a little bouquet of flowers? however this is supposed to go. which, is another issue. how is this supposed to go? that's an issue, and jack takes a side trip to the bathroom to... fix his hair. brush his teeth? various inconsequential things that gave him time to think about it. however, he still came up with about the same: who fucking knows? with a huff (and perfect hair and perfect teeth and smelling like a GQ model), he's stepping out and heading straight for where d'artagnan is resting.
[ D'Artagnan hadn't really thought of it as avoiding Jack. Not exactly. Well, not in those terms.
Everything had gotten complicated, these last few weeks. It had started when he kissed Hanna, that's the truth. He shouldn't have done that. Not when he wasn't sure that he could let Constance go. He'd thought that he could try. That if he let his genuine attraction and care for Hanna lead him, things could change. He hadn't wanted to put a stop to that, either. He'd just wanted to tell her the truth, tell her what he'd left behind so that she'd know what it was he was trying to get over.
It hadn't turned out that way. He'd predicted Hanna would be angry. He hadn't thought Jack would be so angry. He'd known he needed to give Hanna space, and honestly, he thought Jack would want the same. On top of that, Jack threatened to hurt him if he disobeyed Gliese. That, honestly, had stunned him, both that Jack had actually seemed to believe he would do something to get the people around him in trouble, and that he would have been willing to hurt him. Physically. Those hadn't seemed like the words of a friend. They'd seemed like the words of someone who was genuinely furious with him.
So, yes. He'd steered clear.
For the same reason, he's surprised to be approached by Jack now. He doesn't imagine that it has to do with anything other than business, so he stands up, and holsters his gun. ]
[ he watches d’artagnan looking like he’s about to gear up, and something in jack drops, thinking he’s that willing to just get away from him. Maybe he ought to just leave him be, like he did steve and peggy. Bridges burned. There typically always was a breaking point for people that really got to know him. Even joseph got to a point that he couldn’t withstand the person jack was. Broke in the worst way possible. Jack practically pulled the trigger on him.
It’s a deep kind of sorrow that line of thought brings up, and he has to pause a moment, looking at his hands, with the unexpected rise of the memory. It takes a moment, but he clears his throat, looking back up to d’artagnan with a less guarded expression. Less practiced. ]
No, we’re just taking a break. I can’t hold it for 10 hours straight.
[ he snorts a short, hollow laugh. Yeah, great jack, start this talk with pissing. Ugh. ]
I just, um. [ stupid, that he can’t have a dignified composure in this. Obvious in how concerned, or guilted, he is. ] Wanted to check in. Haven’t seen you in a while.
[ It makes d'Artagnan pause, that look on his face. A strangely vulnerable look, from a man who is never vulnerable. D'Artagnan hesitates, and then sets his rifle back on the ground. His eyes fall away, uncertain, because he'd not really expected Jack to come and talk about this.
And if he had, he'd definitely not have expected him to look so sad about it.
A shoulder lifts, and his head shakes just a little. ]
I didn't think you'd want to see me. You haven't seemed thrilled to, the last few times we talked.
[ He runs through that last fight they'd had again. He's thought about it a lot since then. ]
I thought you'd want space. I was giving it to you.
[ of course he hadn’t faulted jack for it. He’s d’artagnan. It’s what he does. A small, half smile tugs the corner of his lips up some, endeared by his friend. Athos has always been right in calling him the best of us.
Jack lets out a slow exhale, looking down to his shoes as he leans against the wall next to him, hands in his coat pockets. ]
Well, I suffer from a terminal condition of Asshole, so. [ a quiet huff, attempting to be humoring, but it comes out mostly empty. ]
I speak too harshly, too often, and at the wrong times. You didn’t deserve that from me.
[ D'Artagnan stays quiet, his hands dropping to his sides.
Fighting with Jack had upset him more than he'd realised. He hadn't expected Hanna to withdraw from him so completely, and he definitely hadn't expected Jack to follow. He glances away, eyebrows lifting. ]
You were angry with me. I should have known you would be. I know you care for Hanna.
[ He lifts one shoulder, awkward. ]
I didn't think it would stop us being friends. That's all.
[ jack's bro furrows, watching d'artagnan as he speaks, the glance away, the lift of his brow, and the shrug of his shoulder.
he's not good at this kind of thing. he doesn't know how it's supposed to go, where the balance is supposed to be. 'friend' is such a foreign concept to him, and he'd never, really, had a successful, lasting friendship. not before cdc. ]
It won't stop us being friends.
[ he speaks, a bit perplexed. ]
My thoughts on you or... feelings for you-- [ that sounds ridiculous. and gay. ] --haven't changed and won't. You're still my closest friend, outside of Hanna. Disapproving of something you've done won't change that.
[ D'Artagnan's eyes on him are quite intent, watching him closely. Jack just looks confused. ]
You threatened me because of her, Jack. You don't remember that? You should have trusted me, if you're my friend, and instead, you threatened me, and then you wonder why I think things have changed?
[ That's what had jolted him so much. Jack, threatening to hurt him. Jack had always been someone he could rely on, until that day. That's why he'd given him space. Friendship matters to d'Artagnan more than almost anything else. He never would have threatened to hurt Jack. He'd have held a sword at the throat of anyone who did, but when things were reversed, Jack not only threatened him, but made it clear that it wasn't d'Artagnan he was worried about - it was Hanna. You care about her, not me. That's what he thinks. ]
[ he blinks, head tilting and lips parting, like there's words on his tongue he doesn't quite know how to form, and jack looks like he genuinely doesn't get it. there's a lot of horrible things jack's done when he's angry, including punching d'artagnan in the face, not that that's excusable, but it's something he's never really... thought of after the fact. more like shoves it away with selective memory. confronting the horrible parts of who he is has never been something jack's done willfully. most of the time, at least.
eyes drift down, at the rover floor, brows knitting, and tries to think on it. friendship isn't something he's known before the cdc, nor is extending himself for the sake of it. he speaks carefully, as if trying to assure that it's accurate. ]
I was... livid, at the time. I wouldn't have done it.
[ he lies so easily now that he has to catch himself before it happens, but that is the truth. he was pissed. taking it personally, applying things d'artagnan had nothing to do with, that jack can't talk about, to the situation. which, means the real honesty ends there. at least partly. he looks down at his hands, turning one of the rings on his fingers habitually. ]
Not that I'm one to lecture on selfishness, but it's one thing to put yourself at risk, and another entirely to knowingly put another in the line of fire for your integrity alone.
[ That’s what stings so much. All he’d done was talk, and half a dozen people took it upon themselves to tell him he couldn’t. Jack isn’t the only one he’d been angry with that day, but of all of them, Jack is the one he’s closest to. The one that he would have thought would trust him, and instead, Jack had threatened him. No one else had done that. ]
All I did was ask questions. I didn’t disobey, and I won’t. There’s too many people I have to protect and you, you should know that.
They have my father, Jack. And they have Aramis and Porthos, on another ship, and Athos, on this ship, and they have Alina and they have you. And if they wanted, they could reach Constance or Treville or any of them. But you didn’t care about them, or me. You only cared what would happen to Hanna. Tell me I’m wrong if you like, but that’s what you said.
All Simon did was ask questions. All Michelle did was ask questions.
[ there's a difference, between conversation and pushing. it starts to look like accusation. it starts to look like dissent. no one seems to get that here, what they risk in letting their mouth run. it's really a wonder more haven't gone through what he did. maybe they have, and it only happened as quietly to them as it did to jack. the rover, after all, was sound proof. no one aside from gliese, michelle, and himself heard his screams.
as he continues, jack's eyes widen some, as if being slapped across the cheek, starting to drift elsewhere as he outlines his offense. he wants to say he had cared, that that was why he'd come to him so immediately, and why he'd been so vicious about it. all jack knows about delivering a point is being ruthless with it. the consequences of it have never particularly mattered. or, rather, he'd thought he had nothing to lose, for a long while. but, really, had he? he'd been scared, for what he has now, for losing it. for having it broken. his jaw works, shifting from one side to the other, before he speaks quietly. ]
No. [ jack voices, quiet but clear, and level, as if it comes from a perfectly logical, stable place in his mind. ] I only cared about myself.
[ hanna is a vice for him as much as anything else. something he uses as a crutch. someone who's support he's never lost, and someone who knows all his secrets and bears them for him. ]
A change of scenery and half a year doesn't change that. I'm sorry. [ for what he did, for who he is, for what he can't, or won't, change about himself. he really isn't even certain anymore. and maybe he's someone for d'artagnan to perserve over. an obstacle in the road. but the truth remains the same. he has no excuse for what he did. ]
[ There is a difference. But that's a boundary d'Artagnan hasn't crossed, has never crossed. At least, not yet, and for now, he thinks he knows where that boundary lies. He's talked to Armada about it. He's even talked to Gliese about it, to an extent. He thinks he knows what he's doing.
And even if he doesn't, that's not his point. Jack is one of the few that he might actually listen to, even when he's tired of being lectured by everyone.
He doesn't argue, when Jack qualifies it. I only cared about myself. He doesn't think it's true, though. He remembers the man who ran towards a bomb just to try and save him. That's always his image of Jack. Because of that moment, he never had any doubt that Jack cared about him. Not until the day he'd threatened him for Hanna's sake.
He sets his jaw, and points at Jack. His dark eyes hold a hint of temper, but his voice is absolutely, perfectly calm. ]
You don't threaten me again. Not like that. I mean it, Jack. If you're my friend, you don't say that to me.
[ his eyes hold d'artagnan as he speaks, firm and clear and with that tinge of anger. the command in it, and the consequence, and jack knows d'artagnan isn't a man who speaks anything but what he honestly feels.
for a moment, there's a fear in him, that he'll snap some time, that he'll fuck up again, or that d'artagnan will change his mind a few days from now and tell him never to speak to him again.
the people he has here are all he has, and the thought of losing them, of losing someone so important to him as d'artagnan, it terrifying. ]
[ D’Artagnan meets Jack’s eyes silently. There are few things in the universe more important to him than friendship. He had lost his family, and since then his friends have become that connection for him. Athos, Aramis, Porthos. His family. He had begun to count Jack as one of them. His friendship would not be easily lost, could not be easily lost, but he takes betrayal hard, and that’s what that threat had felt like.
Even so, there’s little more to be said about it now. The anger seems to settle in him after that, and then finally he nods, accepting it. He comes up to Jack, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it. ]
All right. So I won’t give you space, then.
[ His hand loosens, but doesn’t go away. He looks up at Jack instead, thinking of the weeks of distance ever since they landed. Even before. ]
Sorry.
[ For all of it. For hurting him, and for the silence that went on too long. ]
[ jack chuckles, a bit airey, and slightly incredulous. he's apologizing, after all jack had done, after all he'd just said. d'artagnan is apologizing, and it's so incredibly him, jack's a bit lost in himself over it. ]
You're so strange.
[ he smiles, strained, but lifts a hand to grip at his bicep, squeezing a moment. ]
[ jack can't help the small smile that lifts the corner of his lips momentarily, always reminded of moments that d'artagnan had been the most comforting thing in the world to him. his fingers squeeze back, for a moment, before letting him go. ]
No, not unless you'd like it lorded over you until kingdom come.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
first day of mapping; action
which, had, at first, made him pissed. because he is jack and nothing is ever his fault, it's always someone else being ridiculous, not him. for a few hours, he stewed in that, possibly hitting every rock and tree on his way just to jostle the back of the rover in a passive aggressive kind of bitterness for it. the next few hours after that, when he ran out of rationalizations to avoid the 'so i'm acting like a child' truth, it eventually waited out his petulance and became too clear not to admit to. after that? depression. loneliness. a bit of self-loathing. for god sake, he'd punched d'artagnan before and still hadn't gotten the cold shoulder from him then. how huge of an asshole had he been that he's now not even acknowledging jack's existence.
of course, it's not like jack had gone out of his way to approach him. he typically doesn't, with people. the default of his life had been 'they come to me, or they wait until i send someone else to order them here'. not that he hadn't gone to hang out with him on occassion, but more often than not, d'artagnan was the one who actually stood by accepted behavior of 'friend'. not that jack is incredibly well versed in what that's supposed to mean anyway.
so, once the rover pulls to a halt in a clear, and jack makes a loud groaning sound as he stands up from the drivers seat, stretching cramped legs, he's resigned to go find d'artagnan and... do something. tell him to hit him, maybe? let him tell him how big of a prick he is? make him a little bouquet of flowers? however this is supposed to go. which, is another issue. how is this supposed to go? that's an issue, and jack takes a side trip to the bathroom to... fix his hair. brush his teeth? various inconsequential things that gave him time to think about it. however, he still came up with about the same: who fucking knows? with a huff (and perfect hair and perfect teeth and smelling like a GQ model), he's stepping out and heading straight for where d'artagnan is resting.
stops about four feet in front of him.
stares. ]
Hey.
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Everything had gotten complicated, these last few weeks. It had started when he kissed Hanna, that's the truth. He shouldn't have done that. Not when he wasn't sure that he could let Constance go. He'd thought that he could try. That if he let his genuine attraction and care for Hanna lead him, things could change. He hadn't wanted to put a stop to that, either. He'd just wanted to tell her the truth, tell her what he'd left behind so that she'd know what it was he was trying to get over.
It hadn't turned out that way. He'd predicted Hanna would be angry. He hadn't thought Jack would be so angry. He'd known he needed to give Hanna space, and honestly, he thought Jack would want the same. On top of that, Jack threatened to hurt him if he disobeyed Gliese. That, honestly, had stunned him, both that Jack had actually seemed to believe he would do something to get the people around him in trouble, and that he would have been willing to hurt him. Physically. Those hadn't seemed like the words of a friend. They'd seemed like the words of someone who was genuinely furious with him.
So, yes. He'd steered clear.
For the same reason, he's surprised to be approached by Jack now. He doesn't imagine that it has to do with anything other than business, so he stands up, and holsters his gun. ]
Are we moving? I'm ready.
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It’s a deep kind of sorrow that line of thought brings up, and he has to pause a moment, looking at his hands, with the unexpected rise of the memory. It takes a moment, but he clears his throat, looking back up to d’artagnan with a less guarded expression. Less practiced. ]
No, we’re just taking a break. I can’t hold it for 10 hours straight.
[ he snorts a short, hollow laugh. Yeah, great jack, start this talk with pissing. Ugh. ]
I just, um. [ stupid, that he can’t have a dignified composure in this. Obvious in how concerned, or guilted, he is. ] Wanted to check in. Haven’t seen you in a while.
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And if he had, he'd definitely not have expected him to look so sad about it.
A shoulder lifts, and his head shakes just a little. ]
I didn't think you'd want to see me. You haven't seemed thrilled to, the last few times we talked.
[ He runs through that last fight they'd had again. He's thought about it a lot since then. ]
I thought you'd want space. I was giving it to you.
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Jack lets out a slow exhale, looking down to his shoes as he leans against the wall next to him, hands in his coat pockets. ]
Well, I suffer from a terminal condition of Asshole, so. [ a quiet huff, attempting to be humoring, but it comes out mostly empty. ]
I speak too harshly, too often, and at the wrong times. You didn’t deserve that from me.
[ this is jack saying he’s sorry. ]
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Fighting with Jack had upset him more than he'd realised. He hadn't expected Hanna to withdraw from him so completely, and he definitely hadn't expected Jack to follow. He glances away, eyebrows lifting. ]
You were angry with me. I should have known you would be. I know you care for Hanna.
[ He lifts one shoulder, awkward. ]
I didn't think it would stop us being friends. That's all.
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he's not good at this kind of thing. he doesn't know how it's supposed to go, where the balance is supposed to be. 'friend' is such a foreign concept to him, and he'd never, really, had a successful, lasting friendship. not before cdc. ]
It won't stop us being friends.
[ he speaks, a bit perplexed. ]
My thoughts on you or... feelings for you-- [ that sounds ridiculous. and gay. ] --haven't changed and won't. You're still my closest friend, outside of Hanna. Disapproving of something you've done won't change that.
no subject
[ D'Artagnan's eyes on him are quite intent, watching him closely. Jack just looks confused. ]
You threatened me because of her, Jack. You don't remember that? You should have trusted me, if you're my friend, and instead, you threatened me, and then you wonder why I think things have changed?
[ That's what had jolted him so much. Jack, threatening to hurt him. Jack had always been someone he could rely on, until that day. That's why he'd given him space. Friendship matters to d'Artagnan more than almost anything else. He never would have threatened to hurt Jack. He'd have held a sword at the throat of anyone who did, but when things were reversed, Jack not only threatened him, but made it clear that it wasn't d'Artagnan he was worried about - it was Hanna. You care about her, not me. That's what he thinks. ]
no subject
eyes drift down, at the rover floor, brows knitting, and tries to think on it. friendship isn't something he's known before the cdc, nor is extending himself for the sake of it. he speaks carefully, as if trying to assure that it's accurate. ]
I was... livid, at the time. I wouldn't have done it.
[ he lies so easily now that he has to catch himself before it happens, but that is the truth. he was pissed. taking it personally, applying things d'artagnan had nothing to do with, that jack can't talk about, to the situation. which, means the real honesty ends there. at least partly. he looks down at his hands, turning one of the rings on his fingers habitually. ]
Not that I'm one to lecture on selfishness, but it's one thing to put yourself at risk, and another entirely to knowingly put another in the line of fire for your integrity alone.
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[ That’s what stings so much. All he’d done was talk, and half a dozen people took it upon themselves to tell him he couldn’t. Jack isn’t the only one he’d been angry with that day, but of all of them, Jack is the one he’s closest to. The one that he would have thought would trust him, and instead, Jack had threatened him. No one else had done that. ]
All I did was ask questions. I didn’t disobey, and I won’t. There’s too many people I have to protect and you, you should know that.
They have my father, Jack. And they have Aramis and Porthos, on another ship, and Athos, on this ship, and they have Alina and they have you. And if they wanted, they could reach Constance or Treville or any of them. But you didn’t care about them, or me. You only cared what would happen to Hanna. Tell me I’m wrong if you like, but that’s what you said.
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[ there's a difference, between conversation and pushing. it starts to look like accusation. it starts to look like dissent. no one seems to get that here, what they risk in letting their mouth run. it's really a wonder more haven't gone through what he did. maybe they have, and it only happened as quietly to them as it did to jack. the rover, after all, was sound proof. no one aside from gliese, michelle, and himself heard his screams.
as he continues, jack's eyes widen some, as if being slapped across the cheek, starting to drift elsewhere as he outlines his offense. he wants to say he had cared, that that was why he'd come to him so immediately, and why he'd been so vicious about it. all jack knows about delivering a point is being ruthless with it. the consequences of it have never particularly mattered. or, rather, he'd thought he had nothing to lose, for a long while. but, really, had he? he'd been scared, for what he has now, for losing it. for having it broken. his jaw works, shifting from one side to the other, before he speaks quietly. ]
No. [ jack voices, quiet but clear, and level, as if it comes from a perfectly logical, stable place in his mind. ] I only cared about myself.
[ hanna is a vice for him as much as anything else. something he uses as a crutch. someone who's support he's never lost, and someone who knows all his secrets and bears them for him. ]
A change of scenery and half a year doesn't change that. I'm sorry. [ for what he did, for who he is, for what he can't, or won't, change about himself. he really isn't even certain anymore. and maybe he's someone for d'artagnan to perserve over. an obstacle in the road. but the truth remains the same. he has no excuse for what he did. ]
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And even if he doesn't, that's not his point. Jack is one of the few that he might actually listen to, even when he's tired of being lectured by everyone.
He doesn't argue, when Jack qualifies it. I only cared about myself. He doesn't think it's true, though. He remembers the man who ran towards a bomb just to try and save him. That's always his image of Jack. Because of that moment, he never had any doubt that Jack cared about him. Not until the day he'd threatened him for Hanna's sake.
He sets his jaw, and points at Jack. His dark eyes hold a hint of temper, but his voice is absolutely, perfectly calm. ]
You don't threaten me again. Not like that. I mean it, Jack. If you're my friend, you don't say that to me.
I'll take it personally. Are we clear?
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for a moment, there's a fear in him, that he'll snap some time, that he'll fuck up again, or that d'artagnan will change his mind a few days from now and tell him never to speak to him again.
the people he has here are all he has, and the thought of losing them, of losing someone so important to him as d'artagnan, it terrifying. ]
Understood.
[ that only. ]
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Even so, there’s little more to be said about it now. The anger seems to settle in him after that, and then finally he nods, accepting it. He comes up to Jack, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it. ]
All right. So I won’t give you space, then.
[ His hand loosens, but doesn’t go away. He looks up at Jack instead, thinking of the weeks of distance ever since they landed. Even before. ]
Sorry.
[ For all of it. For hurting him, and for the silence that went on too long. ]
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You're so strange.
[ he smiles, strained, but lifts a hand to grip at his bicep, squeezing a moment. ]
You don't have a reason to be. That's my line.
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No, you're probably right. I don't want you thinking I missed you, there'd be no living with you then.
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No, not unless you'd like it lorded over you until kingdom come.
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That would be terrible. Now come on. We should catch up with the others.