For longer than a few hours at a time? [ He raises his eyes to the ceiling of the rover like he almost wishes his friend's weren't so perspective. ] I don't know.
[ He sighs and the fight goes out of his posture. He glances at d'Artagnan and shrugs his shoulders, a weariness settling into his stance. ] I've always had difficulty sleeping. Here it just seems more elusive. [ Less wine to drown out his nightmares or perhaps his body simply doesn't remember how to fall asleep like a normal person? ]
[ So not since they’ve been here, most likely. D’Artagnan stares at him. He’d struggled too, at first. The 72 hour day hadn’t been easy to get used to, but it hadn’t been impossible. He shakes his head. ]
Why?
You have to sleep. With what they put us through here, you have to. Is it your rover? I can put in a request, try and get you moved here with me. Would that help?
[ He should have pinched himself to keep his mind alert. That's what he's taking from this. ]
A different rover would do very little, d'Artagnan. [ Because he's so used to drinking himself asleep. Or exhausting himself. On the days they fight here he finds it easier, his mind slipping away into an exhausted black hole. ] My thoughts are too loud, some nights. That's all.
[ He wants to bristle and shake off the concern, but he knows how hopeless that would be. D'Artagnan is only worried about him and would Athos not be here himself, if the roles were reversed and his friend were the one suffering? ]
I know. Believe me, I do what I can. Sometimes it just isn't enough. [ He can't let the cloying fear at the back of his throat go, or the strain of holding it all together. ] I'll be fine. I'll sleep eventually.
I didn't think it would do much good. [ He can't sleep, that's all there is to it. And when he does his nightmares are things to behold. Still, he allows himself to be led, finds comfort in d'Artagnan's arm around him as though it could banish both chill and ghosts. ]
It is not as bad as to suggest I haven't at all since our arrival. If the day has been strenuous enough I find it far easier. [ He fights things until he's exhausted and then he sleeps. It's a great coping strategy. ]
It's bad enough if you have to exhaust yourself, Athos.
[ The disapproval in his voice is strong. D'Artagnan moves to his friend's side, not allowing any protest, and slips an arm around his back. Athos doesn't seem that steady right now. ]
Is this the case at home as well, is that what you're telling me?
Yes. [ He hates being this honest, as though he is offering up a weakness inside of him. But he trusts d'Artagnan not to use it as a weapon. ]
Though at least Paris affords me my own medicines. [ He can drink or he can spar until he aches. And sometimes it's simply enough to be cajoled by one of the other three, to have them force smiles from him with good humour so that he goes to bed lighter. It's harder here to remember that. ]
[ D'Artagnan gazes at him for a moment, quiet and unhappy. He'd known Athos liked to drink, of course. But he hadn't known the reason was this. He finds himself drawing his friend closer now. ]
You have to try, Athos. You need to be fit and ready here.
Have I let you down before? [ He tries not to sound like his pride has been wounded but it doesn't exactly work out that way. ] It's not ideal, I know. But I am still capable.
What do you propose? Because if it's punching me until I'm unconscious I'm not sure it would help.
[ It's cold. He won't miss that when this is all gone. Athos would have thought he'd be used to the chill, what with France always raining. But this is different and permeates into his bones. ]
[ Well, if you're going to be sarcastic about it... ]
You never know. It just might.
[ He hefts his friend a little closer, still aiming for his rover. ]
I meant I could come and see you more often, perhaps. You fell asleep when we were together. Perhaps I could talk you into such a state of boredom that you can't help yourself.
I don't need you to read me a bedtime story, d'Artagnan. [ He shifts a little like he's contemplating throwing d'Artagnan off just for the sake of it. He's an annoying little shit at the best of times. ]
[ The truth is, he’s relieved. He doesn’t like the state Athos is in
now – so tired he’s almost asleep standing up. Some of that will be the
wine, he knows. But he’s seen his friend put away more than what they’d
had. This is tiredness. Seeing Athos’ rover up ahead, d’Artagnan moves for
it. ]
Good. You put a lot of demons to rest before we came here, Athos. Don’t let
them take you again. Not like this.
[ Athos doesn't say anything, just lets d'Artagnan lead them both to the steps of his rover. At the edge he pauses and moves to stand in front of him, lifting a hand to squeeze his friend's shoulder. ]
You're a good man, d'Artagnan. [ He stares at him for a few moments more, his blue eyes moving restlessly over his face as though mapping him out. After a moment he moves his hand. ] I can make it from here. Goodnight.
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[ He sighs and the fight goes out of his posture. He glances at d'Artagnan and shrugs his shoulders, a weariness settling into his stance. ] I've always had difficulty sleeping. Here it just seems more elusive. [ Less wine to drown out his nightmares or perhaps his body simply doesn't remember how to fall asleep like a normal person? ]
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Why?
You have to sleep. With what they put us through here, you have to. Is it your rover? I can put in a request, try and get you moved here with me. Would that help?
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A different rover would do very little, d'Artagnan. [ Because he's so used to drinking himself asleep. Or exhausting himself. On the days they fight here he finds it easier, his mind slipping away into an exhausted black hole. ] My thoughts are too loud, some nights. That's all.
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It's because of this place, isn't it. It's the things they ask of us here.
Athos, you can't do this. You'll not be able to fight if you're exhausted.
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I know. Believe me, I do what I can. Sometimes it just isn't enough. [ He can't let the cloying fear at the back of his throat go, or the strain of holding it all together. ] I'll be fine. I'll sleep eventually.
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[ D’Artagnan moves to put an arm around him, to support him while they walk, and if Athos tries to brush him off he’ll ignore it. ]
Have you been struggling with this since you got here? You should have told me.
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It is not as bad as to suggest I haven't at all since our arrival. If the day has been strenuous enough I find it far easier. [ He fights things until he's exhausted and then he sleeps. It's a great coping strategy. ]
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[ The disapproval in his voice is strong. D'Artagnan moves to his friend's side, not allowing any protest, and slips an arm around his back. Athos doesn't seem that steady right now. ]
Is this the case at home as well, is that what you're telling me?
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Though at least Paris affords me my own medicines. [ He can drink or he can spar until he aches. And sometimes it's simply enough to be cajoled by one of the other three, to have them force smiles from him with good humour so that he goes to bed lighter. It's harder here to remember that. ]
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You have to try, Athos. You need to be fit and ready here.
I need you to be fit and ready.
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Never, and you never will. I know you.
That doesn't mean you can do it on no sleep at all. And alcohol doesn't give you a real sleep, anyway. I know it doesn't.
Let me help you.
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[ It's cold. He won't miss that when this is all gone. Athos would have thought he'd be used to the chill, what with France always raining. But this is different and permeates into his bones. ]
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You never know. It just might.
[ He hefts his friend a little closer, still aiming for his rover. ]
I meant I could come and see you more often, perhaps. You fell asleep when we were together. Perhaps I could talk you into such a state of boredom that you can't help yourself.
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[ D'Artagnan lifts a brow at him. ] I only have one book, and you'd not like the content.
I said talking. But if you'd rather not, we can try the punching. It's looking tempting right now.
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Perhaps. It would do no harm to try.
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That was my thought.
[ The truth is, he’s relieved. He doesn’t like the state Athos is in now – so tired he’s almost asleep standing up. Some of that will be the wine, he knows. But he’s seen his friend put away more than what they’d had. This is tiredness. Seeing Athos’ rover up ahead, d’Artagnan moves for it. ]
Good. You put a lot of demons to rest before we came here, Athos. Don’t let them take you again. Not like this.
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You're a good man, d'Artagnan. [ He stares at him for a few moments more, his blue eyes moving restlessly over his face as though mapping him out. After a moment he moves his hand. ] I can make it from here. Goodnight.
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Go to sleep, my friend. I'll see you in the morning.