[She felt her heart leap high and hit hard against her chest just then. The flame dies just as she curls her fingers around his. She's not sure if she'll ever be used to this type of affection.]
They would've made a fortune off me, too, had they turned me in. I could've been their endless supply of disposable income if I'd gotten good at fighting.
[Deep in her heart, she does know she deserves better, as do all the others abandoned and betrayed for the Circuit. But it would never happen, not there, and not now.
How was it easy to explain the Circuit to the others but not to him? Nothing said that he had to know, but to not tell him would feel as if she were being dishonest. There is no mystery to her, no allure or vagueness in her nature. It's not her.
She settles her forehead on his, pursing her lips. To put into words who and what she is proves no easy task, especially not for her. Necessity drove her to hide who she is.]
D'Artagnan, I told you I was a mess and I meant it. There's a lot you don't know about me. You're... [She falters. When was the last time she held a connection like this? Never, maybe? She'd been running since she was eighteen. Seven years of dodging your fate doesn't lend itself to much.] You're amazing, you're everything I could ever want, what every girl should have, but you don't deserve not knowing who I really am. Maybe you won't know it all until years from now, but if you want... if you're willing to put up with that...
[The statement hangs between them unfinished. She doesn't know how to put in useful words that she'd try, too, that maybe she wouldn't completely change, because she can't even guarantee that for herself, but she'd be there for him, no matter what. She struggles to say that he'll get her story someday, when she's okay with it, too.
Her heart almost literally aches as it hammers inside her. A part of her hates this, because she can't ever make the right sort of risk. It could backfire like everything else already has.]
[ He moves up beside her, still holding her hand, and meeting her eyes very intently. She is so, so afraid of herself. What does she think? That he would see her powers at their full strength, and turn away from her? Why would he do that? No matter how strong her powers are, she's still Hanna beneath them.
She's not being fair to herself. And what she's asking for...
if she's asking for what he thinks she is, then he's not being fair, either. ]
You don't know everything about me, either. It's been months, and still I don't suppose we talk about those things very much.
But you're right. We should. I want to know about you. And it's not a case of putting up with you, believe me.
[It's not her powers, or the full extent of them, that's the smallest of her fears; it's what she could become once she accepts there's only one place to go. That is one of the hardest things to admit.]
There's been too much to talk about ourselves.
[The impulse to leave him strikes quick again. She anchors herself, though, by willing the impulse dead. The idea of him being ever-present is... well, it's what she wants. The act is not so easy to follow on her part. Why she's so ready to run, she doesn't know.
She clears her throat before taking a quick breath. Beneath the hurt and the fear, she manages to pull a smirk through.]
Well, if you're looking for a story, I can tell you that I probably got into as much trouble in France as you did.
Oh, lots of times. As soon as I was old enough to attend a fashion show without jumping out of my seat.
[She rolls her eyes, thinking. France had been one of the places she remembered fondly. She had good memories from there, as well as Italy.]
So, I went to a party after I left home. France is like hundreds of miles from home, word hadn't gotten there yet, and they didn't really care once some our contacts found out about my powers. A lot still cared, though, and they didn't want me or my family going to the shows. Anyway, I crashed this party of someone who didn't want me there and I may have sort of, accidentally set some fireworks off meant for the next night by putting my hands on the boxes. Thinking about it, maybe it wasn't that much of an accident.
[Not a shining moment, not her worst moment either.]
I may or may not have had to pay fines for damages and disturbing the peace, as well as getting banned from the future shows from this guy. I've got loads more of those and from when I stayed in Italy during the summers, too.
[ He ought to be horrified by that. Setting off fireworks in the
middle of a party? That’s basically like setting bombs off, isn’t
it?
But the way she tells it, he can’t help himself. He starts to laugh,
instead. ]
For God’s sake, you’re lucky you weren’t arrested. Did they still have Red
Guards when you were there? I can see the Cardinal’s face now. He’d have
called you a witch, most likely.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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They would've made a fortune off me, too, had they turned me in. I could've been their endless supply of disposable income if I'd gotten good at fighting.
[Deep in her heart, she does know she deserves better, as do all the others abandoned and betrayed for the Circuit. But it would never happen, not there, and not now.
How was it easy to explain the Circuit to the others but not to him? Nothing said that he had to know, but to not tell him would feel as if she were being dishonest. There is no mystery to her, no allure or vagueness in her nature. It's not her.
She settles her forehead on his, pursing her lips. To put into words who and what she is proves no easy task, especially not for her. Necessity drove her to hide who she is.]
D'Artagnan, I told you I was a mess and I meant it. There's a lot you don't know about me. You're... [She falters. When was the last time she held a connection like this? Never, maybe? She'd been running since she was eighteen. Seven years of dodging your fate doesn't lend itself to much.] You're amazing, you're everything I could ever want, what every girl should have, but you don't deserve not knowing who I really am. Maybe you won't know it all until years from now, but if you want... if you're willing to put up with that...
[The statement hangs between them unfinished. She doesn't know how to put in useful words that she'd try, too, that maybe she wouldn't completely change, because she can't even guarantee that for herself, but she'd be there for him, no matter what. She struggles to say that he'll get her story someday, when she's okay with it, too.
Her heart almost literally aches as it hammers inside her. A part of her hates this, because she can't ever make the right sort of risk. It could backfire like everything else already has.]
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[ He moves up beside her, still holding her hand, and meeting her eyes very intently. She is so, so afraid of herself. What does she think? That he would see her powers at their full strength, and turn away from her? Why would he do that? No matter how strong her powers are, she's still Hanna beneath them.
She's not being fair to herself. And what she's asking for...
if she's asking for what he thinks she is, then he's not being fair, either. ]
You don't know everything about me, either. It's been months, and still I don't suppose we talk about those things very much.
But you're right. We should. I want to know about you. And it's not a case of putting up with you, believe me.
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There's been too much to talk about ourselves.
[The impulse to leave him strikes quick again. She anchors herself, though, by willing the impulse dead. The idea of him being ever-present is... well, it's what she wants. The act is not so easy to follow on her part. Why she's so ready to run, she doesn't know.
She clears her throat before taking a quick breath. Beneath the hurt and the fear, she manages to pull a smirk through.]
Well, if you're looking for a story, I can tell you that I probably got into as much trouble in France as you did.
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Really? I didn't even know you'd ever been to France.
What did you do?
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[She rolls her eyes, thinking. France had been one of the places she remembered fondly. She had good memories from there, as well as Italy.]
So, I went to a party after I left home. France is like hundreds of miles from home, word hadn't gotten there yet, and they didn't really care once some our contacts found out about my powers. A lot still cared, though, and they didn't want me or my family going to the shows. Anyway, I crashed this party of someone who didn't want me there and I may have sort of, accidentally set some fireworks off meant for the next night by putting my hands on the boxes. Thinking about it, maybe it wasn't that much of an accident.
[Not a shining moment, not her worst moment either.]
I may or may not have had to pay fines for damages and disturbing the peace, as well as getting banned from the future shows from this guy. I've got loads more of those and from when I stayed in Italy during the summers, too.
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[ He ought to be horrified by that. Setting off fireworks in the middle of a party? That’s basically like setting bombs off, isn’t it?
But the way she tells it, he can’t help himself. He starts to laugh, instead. ]
For God’s sake, you’re lucky you weren’t arrested. Did they still have Red Guards when you were there? I can see the Cardinal’s face now. He’d have called you a witch, most likely.
I can’t believe you did that.
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[And incredibly angry with bad habits, but she won't mention those. She frowns.]
Totally ruined one of my favorite dresses that night, too. And no, just cops. It would've been a bigger mess if I was arrested, trust me.
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[ He's never on the side of the Red Guards, anyway. And he's still smiling at her. ]
Personally, I think it sounds like fun.
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That depends. Who are we letting a firework off at, exactly?
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It made for a pretty light show. A lot of kids broke curfew to see that. It was pretty fun seeing the kids out there.
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Some things are worth breaking the rules for. And sometimes you just can't help yourself.
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