It's not a matter of letting myself move on. [ elena can't help but sound annoyed at the implication that she's holding herself back, but it's tempered by the knowledge that d'artagnan is just trying to help, so her next words are kinder. ] It's not that I'm trying not to move on, I just... genuinely don't think I'm capable.
[ then again, she would have said the same about stefan, and she got over him well enough. it's different with damon, though. she was never allowed to fall out of love with him before he was taken from her. and there is a part of her that feels as though moving on would somehow be a disservice to damon's memory, like letting go of him would mean she didn't actually love him. there's a pause, and then she continues, slowly. ]
Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am holding myself back. I guess I just feel like... Letting go of him would mean I never really loved him in the first place. I don't want to not love him. For years, I tried to pretend I didn't love him, and I cheated myself out of the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to hold on, even now that he's dead.
[ she's never thought of it like this before, but as she speaks she knows it's the truth. not only does she know it's the truth, she knows it's an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking, and she runs her hand over her face with a sigh. ]
I have a lot to think about now, d'Artagnan. Do you think we could talk about this again sometime later? I'm not trying to give you the brush off, I just didn't realize some of this stuff and I need to think about it more.
[ elena can see the truth in d'artagnan's words, but she can't feel it. it feels like if she lets go of damon she'll be betraying him somehow. he would never give up on her, not even in death, so what right does she have to do any less for him?
letting out a long breath, elena pushes her hand through her hair. obviously she's not going to make any headway through this kind of thinking in just one go. ]
Thank you. You're a good friend, d'Artagnan. We'll talk again soon.
[ and with that she ends her end of the call. this has all been a lot to think about, and she knows she should probably keep mulling things over, but to be perfectly honest all she wants to do is go get drunk in one of the hanaguchi clubs. so that's exactly what she's going to do. ]
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[ then again, she would have said the same about stefan, and she got over him well enough. it's different with damon, though. she was never allowed to fall out of love with him before he was taken from her. and there is a part of her that feels as though moving on would somehow be a disservice to damon's memory, like letting go of him would mean she didn't actually love him. there's a pause, and then she continues, slowly. ]
Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am holding myself back. I guess I just feel like... Letting go of him would mean I never really loved him in the first place. I don't want to not love him. For years, I tried to pretend I didn't love him, and I cheated myself out of the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to hold on, even now that he's dead.
[ she's never thought of it like this before, but as she speaks she knows it's the truth. not only does she know it's the truth, she knows it's an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking, and she runs her hand over her face with a sigh. ]
I have a lot to think about now, d'Artagnan. Do you think we could talk about this again sometime later? I'm not trying to give you the brush off, I just didn't realize some of this stuff and I need to think about it more.
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[ Especially when it's someone who died. Holding on to that will make her miserable.
He knows grief isn't so easily overcome, though. It has to run its course, and he believes that it eventually will. Even if she can't see that now. ]
It's all right. You called me. If you want to talk again, I'll still be here.
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[ elena can see the truth in d'artagnan's words, but she can't feel it. it feels like if she lets go of damon she'll be betraying him somehow. he would never give up on her, not even in death, so what right does she have to do any less for him?
letting out a long breath, elena pushes her hand through her hair. obviously she's not going to make any headway through this kind of thinking in just one go. ]
Thank you. You're a good friend, d'Artagnan. We'll talk again soon.
[ and with that she ends her end of the call. this has all been a lot to think about, and she knows she should probably keep mulling things over, but to be perfectly honest all she wants to do is go get drunk in one of the hanaguchi clubs. so that's exactly what she's going to do. ]