I don't know. He turned out to be nearly everything I needed and wanted. Just one key detail short.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
Vows are heavy things; there probably was guilt involved. I'm sorry the two of you are stuck, especially when you both loved.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
I don't even know where to start with moving on. Which means I understand the can't. Glad you told Hanna, though. It'd be worse if you hadn't and were still trying while I love, I think.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
I'll try to help there. And I'll communicate between the two of you as long as you need.
Thank you. I didn't mean to put you in the middle of our problems, but it looks like our problems aren't going away. I don't want the Unit to suffer because of them.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Are you so sure Noh-Varr doesn't feel as you do? If he's everything you need, Garrus...
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I wouldn't take back a single second with Constance. Even knowing it would end, I don't regret any of it. I would do anything to be with her again.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
If there's a chance, for you two. You should fight for it. Don't just give up.
It won't. She's smart, and you're smart and professional.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
The look on his face when I was gearing up to tell him how I felt... He didn't want to hear that. And he'd been pretty clear that he didn't want a serious connection.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
It was only going to hurt more, d'Artagnan. He's everything I need except for one thing - he doesn't want to love or to be loved. There's nothing to fight for when only one of you is invested.
Yeah. Let's have that drink. Wanna meet by the fire near my rover? It's warm, and we can't exactly drink in the rovers since that'd set the screamers off.
[He grabs his dextro brandy as well as the neutral wine just in case d'Artagnan doesn't have anything before heading out. Pain shared is pain that doesn't hurt as much, or something like that, right? It's close enough to pass.
He pours a glass and swirls the liquid around, looking through it at the flames. Pretty, like so much of this world. Like Noh. And only too temporary, also like this world will be and things with Noh were. Someone here has to be happy. He can hope, at least.]
And you're awake. That's a good time to have a morning.
[If d'Artagnan thinks Garrus sounds a little sheepish, he'd be right.]
Pretty, though. The glowing. Set foot on a few dozen worlds, never seen one that lit up the way this one has. Maybe won't ever again.
[He glances over at the human before waving at the wooden chair next to him, courtesy of Sebastian.]
That'll make it easier to remember it, when we go down the list of worlds we've known here in a decade or so. Hard to imagine it's been most of a year already.
[ D'Artagnan takes a few drinks while Garrus is talking. He hates thinking of it like that, of a place that needs remembering. It's right, though. If they don't remember Macha, no one will.
There really is no choice. This land, this world, this whole place will have to die.
As a group, they'd killed so many Neraki yesterday. The payment for that is that their friends are safe and mostly well.
He would never take that back, but it sits heavily on his shoulders. ]
A year. I suppose it has. It's hard to think of it like that, with the longer days. I don't always add it all up.
We're really never going home, are we? It'll always be like this. For all the time we have left.
[He's quiet for several moments before he shakes his head and takes another drink.]
I don't think we are.
[Garrus' subharmonics are heavy as he looks up at the stars in the sky, most of them difficult to see because the fire's messed with his night vision.]
I don't think we're gonna see our homes again. Unless someone asks for that as a mission reward further down the line, to go home. Can't imagine they'd honor that any time soon. Not until they've gotten enough use out of us, however much that is.
[ D'Artagnan doesn't say anything at first. He leans back, taking a long sip of wine, and then lifts his eyebrows as he shrugs. ]
I thought about it.
[ A glance at Garrus. ]
When they asked me again. But then what if we did go back, and then they destroyed our worlds because of it? If it was that easy to get out of a contract, someone would have done it already.
I figure maybe they'd put it off. Tell you sure, you can go home in the future as a reward, but not yet. And then keep putting it off. Just a few more missions, then you're good. Oh, well, you didn't do so well on the last one, so you're gonna need to add another to the total.
[He shakes his head, looking back over at the Musketeer.]
Never any outright lies, never any outright truth. Pretty much the way they operate.
It's... selfish but not. I'm glad Tali and Shepard are here, and we're even dealing with that war. They're, we're, needed there. But I don't wanna be the only one from the Normandy here.
[He takes a sip and sighs.]
Even if I've outlasted everyone else. Just glad they're transfers. As far as we've been told.
[Does that mean they're actually safe? He'd been told that they're safer by Neheda, but that doesn't really mean anything. Not when he's seeing what they're dealing with on this world.]
At least you've still got people guarding your king. Carrying on your duties.
Yes. The other Musketeers, the Captain. They'll be protecting him. But that makes it no less my duty.
[ Or Athos'. Or Porthos', or Aramis', and according to what he knows, none of them are there to do their duty right now. He runs a hand through his hair, fretful. More than once, he's wondered if their absences are noticed. If time moves on without them.
If they did go home, would they be considered deserters? It's a worry. ]
Aramis was a transfer. Porthos...never even got that far. I saw him on the Neheda once, but he was never assigned to our crew. Athos and I wondered if they ended up together. They'd prefer it that way, and if anyone could find Porthos, it would be Aramis.
[He understands. He has a duty as well, one to the Primarch. Hell, if the Primarch falls, he has even more of a duty. And he's not there to carry it out. Who knows if others are even alive to do so still?]
Adding your duty to the shoulders of those already carrying it. Yeah. I hear you.
[Garrus sighs, shakes his head. There's nothing they can do about that, though.]
Met Aramis briefly. When we were pulling new arrivals out of snowbanks. Don't think I ran into Porthos. But there's a bunch from the Normandy I've seen elsewhere who didn't make it to the crew.
If it's any consolation, Neheda told me that they're safer where they are.
[And there hadn't been any talking in circles with that, so he will believe it.]
[ D'Artagnan's just quiet for a moment, taking that in. Then his shoulder lifts in a shrug. The truth is, he'd rather know his friends were in a safer place than him, whether it's true or not.
It would be easier to believe it, he thinks. ]
I trust them. Porthos and Aramis, they're good men. Good Musketeers.
If they're alive, I'll see them again. We'll find each other, that's what we do.
[ He has faith in them, even if he often struggles to believe in the CDC. ]
Judging by you and Athos... Yeah, they're good men and they'll survive.
[He likes the two Musketeers he knows. Maybe the others will get transferred back here. If your friends have already signed their lives away to the CDC, you might as well get to see them. He takes a sip of his wine before continuing.]
Sometimes I wish there was a way to talk to people on other ships. It doesn't make sense that there isn't. CDC tech outstrips what we've got on a whole lot of levels, and I could easily communicate with people back home on Palaven or on another ship from the Normandy.
[Which means he thinks the whole no-contact thing is bullshit.]
[That's a different angle on it, and it actually makes sense.]
If he'd had allies among the recruits... Without communication, rebellion can't spread as easily. And we know they get new recruits all the time.
[More anti-CDC people every, what? How often might they pull people in? He's only got the Neheda to go by, so at least every few months. And for how many ships?]
Gotta be a lot of ships in their fleet. A lot of recruiting constantly going on.
[A whole field of people who could possibly be interested in eventually destroying the CDC from the top down.]
[ He's done the same maths. With a turnover as high as what the CDC seems to boast, it's clear to him that they must always have a surplus of recruits. It goes some way to explaining why they're all so secretive all the time, at least in d'Artagnan's mind. ]
They don't know who they can trust. The only way to stay on top of that is to control who says what to who. I'd bet that's why we can't talk to other ships. Not because they don't have the power.
[There's a lot that he can say, and none of it he should say. They have to be careful. Even if the Neheda's crew is made up of more rebellious types, they won't allow anything to happen until they're ready to make their move. The fate of the Almina had made that clear.]
Enemies inside, enemies outside. They must be exhausted.
[Exhausted people made mistakes.]
And those that don't know who to trust are to be pitied, though often they bring it on themselves.
[If the theory holds... there have to be cracks in the leadership, wedges that can be worked on. He just needs a chance to meet with the leaders, and he doesn't think Bilchis is one of them.]
[ Something in d'Artagnan's face relaxes at that. He nods, agreeing with the sentiment. Trust is important to him. It's bound up in his ideas of what it means to be loyal, to be honourable. ]
I trust those who deserve it.
[ And who prove that they do. That doesn't count the CDC, obviously. They'd tricked him from the very start, and there is no honour in what they do.
Though, he has begun to think that there may be honour in some individuals. At least, in one. ]
Armada has never lied to us. Or tricked us. But he has orders, the same as us. He told me he could send a message for me, to another ship. He never promised it would get through.
[Garrus doesn't trust most of the CDC officers. But Armada he has some faith in, and it's not just because there's no gain in misleading your squad because it'll backfire.]
Take it you didn't follow up by asking?
[The omission's clear enough, really. There's also something to be thankful for about a clear omission instead of the loops Neheda can make out of her words.]
Either way, whether you did or didn't, I've got some faith in him.
[He knows he wants to have faith in someone here, and that's influencing this in part too, but he doesn't think this is a poor choice.]
Got more in you and a couple of others. But I like what I've seen from him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I don't know. He turned out to be nearly everything I needed and wanted. Just one key detail short.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
Vows are heavy things; there probably was guilt involved. I'm sorry the two of you are stuck, especially when you both loved.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
I don't even know where to start with moving on. Which means I understand the can't. Glad you told Hanna, though. It'd be worse if you hadn't and were still trying while I love, I think.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
I'll try to help there. And I'll communicate between the two of you as long as you need.
no subject
Thank you. I didn't mean to put you in the middle of our problems, but it looks like our problems aren't going away. I don't want the Unit to suffer because of them.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Are you so sure Noh-Varr doesn't feel as you do? If he's everything you need, Garrus...
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I wouldn't take back a single second with Constance. Even knowing it would end, I don't regret any of it. I would do anything to be with her again.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
If there's a chance, for you two. You should fight for it. Don't just give up.
no subject
It won't. She's smart, and you're smart and professional.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
The look on his face when I was gearing up to tell him how I felt... He didn't want to hear that. And he'd been pretty clear that he didn't want a serious connection.
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
It was only going to hurt more, d'Artagnan. He's everything I need except for one thing - he doesn't want to love or to be loved. There's nothing to fight for when only one of you is invested.
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Incidentally, he'd quite like to throw Noh-Varr off the nearest rovertop for this. If he wasn't invested, then he should have ended it.
Eventually: ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
You still want that drink?
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Yeah. Let's have that drink. Wanna meet by the fire near my rover? It's warm, and we can't exactly drink in the rovers since that'd set the screamers off.
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I'll meet you there. I won't sleep now, anyway.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Thanks, Garrus.
Action?
He pours a glass and swirls the liquid around, looking through it at the flames. Pretty, like so much of this world. Like Noh. And only too temporary, also like this world will be and things with Noh were. Someone here has to be happy. He can hope, at least.]
action
After a few moments he appears, and drops down beside Garrus with the bottle in hand. ]
At least it doesn't feel like morning. It's all still glowing.
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[If d'Artagnan thinks Garrus sounds a little sheepish, he'd be right.]
Pretty, though. The glowing. Set foot on a few dozen worlds, never seen one that lit up the way this one has. Maybe won't ever again.
[He glances over at the human before waving at the wooden chair next to him, courtesy of Sebastian.]
That'll make it easier to remember it, when we go down the list of worlds we've known here in a decade or so. Hard to imagine it's been most of a year already.
no subject
There really is no choice. This land, this world, this whole place will have to die.
As a group, they'd killed so many Neraki yesterday. The payment for that is that their friends are safe and mostly well.
He would never take that back, but it sits heavily on his shoulders. ]
A year. I suppose it has. It's hard to think of it like that, with the longer days. I don't always add it all up.
We're really never going home, are we? It'll always be like this. For all the time we have left.
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I don't think we are.
[Garrus' subharmonics are heavy as he looks up at the stars in the sky, most of them difficult to see because the fire's messed with his night vision.]
I don't think we're gonna see our homes again. Unless someone asks for that as a mission reward further down the line, to go home. Can't imagine they'd honor that any time soon. Not until they've gotten enough use out of us, however much that is.
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I thought about it.
[ A glance at Garrus. ]
When they asked me again. But then what if we did go back, and then they destroyed our worlds because of it? If it was that easy to get out of a contract, someone would have done it already.
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[He shakes his head, looking back over at the Musketeer.]
Never any outright lies, never any outright truth. Pretty much the way they operate.
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Never any answers, you mean. I don't expect them anymore.
It's selfish that I'm glad Athos is with me, isn't it? I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't.
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[He takes a sip and sighs.]
Even if I've outlasted everyone else. Just glad they're transfers. As far as we've been told.
[Does that mean they're actually safe? He'd been told that they're safer by Neheda, but that doesn't really mean anything. Not when he's seeing what they're dealing with on this world.]
At least you've still got people guarding your king. Carrying on your duties.
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[ Or Athos'. Or Porthos', or Aramis', and according to what he knows, none of them are there to do their duty right now. He runs a hand through his hair, fretful. More than once, he's wondered if their absences are noticed. If time moves on without them.
If they did go home, would they be considered deserters? It's a worry. ]
Aramis was a transfer. Porthos...never even got that far. I saw him on the Neheda once, but he was never assigned to our crew. Athos and I wondered if they ended up together. They'd prefer it that way, and if anyone could find Porthos, it would be Aramis.
I wish I knew what happened to them both.
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Adding your duty to the shoulders of those already carrying it. Yeah. I hear you.
[Garrus sighs, shakes his head. There's nothing they can do about that, though.]
Met Aramis briefly. When we were pulling new arrivals out of snowbanks. Don't think I ran into Porthos. But there's a bunch from the Normandy I've seen elsewhere who didn't make it to the crew.
If it's any consolation, Neheda told me that they're safer where they are.
[And there hadn't been any talking in circles with that, so he will believe it.]
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It would be easier to believe it, he thinks. ]
I trust them. Porthos and Aramis, they're good men. Good Musketeers.
If they're alive, I'll see them again. We'll find each other, that's what we do.
[ He has faith in them, even if he often struggles to believe in the CDC. ]
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[He likes the two Musketeers he knows. Maybe the others will get transferred back here. If your friends have already signed their lives away to the CDC, you might as well get to see them. He takes a sip of his wine before continuing.]
Sometimes I wish there was a way to talk to people on other ships. It doesn't make sense that there isn't. CDC tech outstrips what we've got on a whole lot of levels, and I could easily communicate with people back home on Palaven or on another ship from the Normandy.
[Which means he thinks the whole no-contact thing is bullshit.]
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I don't think it's that we can't talk to other ships, I think we don't have permission. Maybe there's a reason for that.
[ He looks up, studying Garrus for a moment. ]
You told me before there was a Captain who wanted our help, and he came here. Do you remember?
Maybe that sort of thing is why we have to stay separate. Who knows.
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[That's a different angle on it, and it actually makes sense.]
If he'd had allies among the recruits... Without communication, rebellion can't spread as easily. And we know they get new recruits all the time.
[More anti-CDC people every, what? How often might they pull people in? He's only got the Neheda to go by, so at least every few months. And for how many ships?]
Gotta be a lot of ships in their fleet. A lot of recruiting constantly going on.
[A whole field of people who could possibly be interested in eventually destroying the CDC from the top down.]
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[ He's done the same maths. With a turnover as high as what the CDC seems to boast, it's clear to him that they must always have a surplus of recruits. It goes some way to explaining why they're all so secretive all the time, at least in d'Artagnan's mind. ]
They don't know who they can trust. The only way to stay on top of that is to control who says what to who. I'd bet that's why we can't talk to other ships. Not because they don't have the power.
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Enemies inside, enemies outside. They must be exhausted.
[Exhausted people made mistakes.]
And those that don't know who to trust are to be pitied, though often they bring it on themselves.
[If the theory holds... there have to be cracks in the leadership, wedges that can be worked on. He just needs a chance to meet with the leaders, and he doesn't think Bilchis is one of them.]
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I trust those who deserve it.
[ And who prove that they do. That doesn't count the CDC, obviously. They'd tricked him from the very start, and there is no honour in what they do.
Though, he has begun to think that there may be honour in some individuals. At least, in one. ]
Armada has never lied to us. Or tricked us. But he has orders, the same as us. He told me he could send a message for me, to another ship. He never promised it would get through.
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[Garrus doesn't trust most of the CDC officers. But Armada he has some faith in, and it's not just because there's no gain in misleading your squad because it'll backfire.]
Take it you didn't follow up by asking?
[The omission's clear enough, really. There's also something to be thankful for about a clear omission instead of the loops Neheda can make out of her words.]
Either way, whether you did or didn't, I've got some faith in him.
[He knows he wants to have faith in someone here, and that's influencing this in part too, but he doesn't think this is a poor choice.]
Got more in you and a couple of others. But I like what I've seen from him.
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