Yeah, well, live your life never being allowed to express love or attraction when you feel it, unless it's done very quiet, behind closed doors, and only there. That's about what it is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Not to mention, be prepared for the inevitability that, if you share it, you're likely to be betrayed for it. Especially if there's gain in that.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Maybe. You might want to pick up something to swim in, by the way. Do they have swimwear in Paris?
I think if you fall in love it shouldn't matter who it's with. I think that all the more since meeting you. But I do know what that's like. Keeping love a secret. Never being able to be with who you want.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I know. For different reasons than you.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And, I have no idea what you're talking about. Where do I get it?
[ oh, he... oh. for some reason, it just rubs him the wrong way, to hear that what it is for him is so easy to understand and share. then again, jack is incredibly petty. well, he always has the excuse that he can't hear d'artagnan if this gets awkward. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I don't think you do. What is it, one person you can't have? The worst you have to do is see her not being with you? Were you made to sleep with other women to cover for the fact you loved her?
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Well, that's not really parallel. Did you have to sleep with other men to cover the fact you loved her?
[ all he really thinks about now is joseph, and of joseph's small, sad smile on his mother's laptop screen. and then, of the glossy finish on the lid of the coffin he was sealed in after, that jack wasn't brave enough to look under. ]
Then maybe she should be the one telling me she knows what it's like.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
While you and the dead boyfriend I had once can get wine coolers and make a day out of it.
[ it does, actually, occur to him that he's being a massive prick to one of his closest friends, and after he sends the messages, there's a pause, in which he'd like to immediately retract them. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I'm sorry. [ he wants to write something about it being a difficult topic, but all of what comes to mind seems like a stupid excuse. he's still wrapped up in selfish bitterness, maybe jealousy, even, but there's a sincere kind of love he has for his friend. one of the few willing to stick with him through all of his bad traits, and moments of being a generally terrible human being. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
If the both of you are still breathing, when you get home, take her and leave. It's better than any of the alternatives.
[ And she won't leave, because he threatened to kill himself if she did, and told her his blood would be on her hands. She could never live with that. So she'd stayed.
He hesitates, then adds: ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm sorry about your boyfriend. It was never my intent to make little of that.
[ and then there's those moments that he petulantly throws things out in the interest of being petty and upset, but doesn't actually have any want to recognize that they exist or happened or should be acknowledged or thought about. ]
I only wanted to say I sympathised, over having a hidden love. That's the part I understood. But you were right. Hiding who I love isn't the same as hiding who I am.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
She's married. That's why there's nlthing I can do.
Yeah, well, it still blows. It doesn't have to be identical to empathsize, and I appreciate the notion. Thank you.
[ really, he does. d'artagnan goes out of his way far more than he needs to for jack and his childish feelings. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Not one that means much, if she'd rather be with you.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Marriage is an old man reciting old words and fading signatures on pretentious paper. They're family bargains and political movements. Don't let that decide your life for you, or for her.
He was a good match. He's a tailor. It would have been arranged, but contracts aren't easily broken. It's not that easy.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
He told her he'd kill himself to make her stay. So she did. Even if she didn't, I have nothing to offer her. No family, no home. No money. I have nothing except the Musketeers, except my honour.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And I left that behind on Ajna. So really? I'm worth even less than she thought.
You're worth a thousand tailors and then some, d'Artagnan, with or without what happened on Ajna or the Musketeers. You could be rolling around in the mud with pigs and you'd still be worth more.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you think her life will be any less miserable living with a man that threatens to kill himself to control her? What more, after he learns he can manipulate her into walking away from you with it?
[[ ooc; also, tossed up the beach thread for whenever he gets there /o/ ]]
I tried. She wouldn't come, I couldn't force her. I don't think you're wrong about him. But it's not my choice to make. I only had love to offer and it wasn't enough.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Why don't you take your own advice? You think she should escape and be with me. You should stop hiding, for the same reason. Your father isn't here.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And even if he were he couldn't force you into anything. You should live the way you want to. Maybe then you can be happy. I want that for you.
So find another way around it. Everyone has leverage, figure out what will work for her ingrate husband. If he's using suicide to threaten her, I sincerely doubt he'll actually go through with that. That's too selfish, and suicide isn't something you commit to on specific circumstances.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I mean to. I did tell them, d'Artagnan. The only reason I'd been keeping it quiet was the fact I didn't want them to hear yet. The universe we're in now, no one cares who I take to bed. I have that freedom already.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Well, yeah, I knew that already. She's mad anytime I lie about something. So, essentially, in a constant state of upset with me.
I guess? I'm not having to hide it anymore, at least.
[ he's still not sure how he feels. part of him doesn't completely trust their reactions, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. ]
no subject
In my world, you could have never been open about it. No one ever was. Not officially, anyway. Seeing you makes me rethink that whole attitude.
FROM: d'artagnan@cdc.org
Maybe it will with them, too.
no subject
Yeah, well, live your life never being allowed to express love or attraction when you feel it, unless it's done very quiet, behind closed doors, and only there. That's about what it is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Not to mention, be prepared for the inevitability that, if you share it, you're likely to be betrayed for it. Especially if there's gain in that.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Maybe. You might want to pick up something to swim in, by the way. Do they have swimwear in Paris?
no subject
I think if you fall in love it shouldn't matter who it's with. I think that all the more since meeting you. But I do know what that's like. Keeping love a secret. Never being able to be with who you want.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I know. For different reasons than you.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And, I have no idea what you're talking about. Where do I get it?
no subject
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I don't think you do. What is it, one person you can't have? The worst you have to do is see her not being with you? Were you made to sleep with other women to cover for the fact you loved her?
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Well, that's not really parallel. Did you have to sleep with other men to cover the fact you loved her?
[ all he really thinks about now is joseph, and of joseph's small, sad smile on his mother's laptop screen. and then, of the glossy finish on the lid of the coffin he was sealed in after, that jack wasn't brave enough to look under. ]
no subject
No. She did.
[ Because she was the one it was forbidden for, not him. She's the one trapped in a loveless marriage, the one who has no choice at all. ]
no subject
Then maybe she should be the one telling me she knows what it's like.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
While you and the dead boyfriend I had once can get wine coolers and make a day out of it.
[ it does, actually, occur to him that he's being a massive prick to one of his closest friends, and after he sends the messages, there's a pause, in which he'd like to immediately retract them. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I'm sorry. [ he wants to write something about it being a difficult topic, but all of what comes to mind seems like a stupid excuse. he's still wrapped up in selfish bitterness, maybe jealousy, even, but there's a sincere kind of love he has for his friend. one of the few willing to stick with him through all of his bad traits, and moments of being a generally terrible human being. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
If the both of you are still breathing, when you get home, take her and leave. It's better than any of the alternatives.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Just do it, don't look back.
no subject
I can't. I tried.
[ And she won't leave, because he threatened to kill himself if she did, and told her his blood would be on her hands. She could never live with that. So she'd stayed.
He hesitates, then adds: ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm sorry about your boyfriend. It was never my intent to make little of that.
no subject
What's stopping you?
[ and then there's those moments that he petulantly throws things out in the interest of being petty and upset, but doesn't actually have any want to recognize that they exist or happened or should be acknowledged or thought about. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Don't be. You didn't do anything.
no subject
It doesn't matter. You're right. I shouldn't have said anything.
no subject
No. Say things. I'm already socially abrasive, if you get socially awkward this is going to stop working.
[ which was... an attempt at a joke. ill timed. fuck, he's bad at this Being A Real Friend thing. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
There's just certain things you don't get second chances at. Living with regrets is hard enough, don't die with them.
no subject
I only wanted to say I sympathised, over having a hidden love. That's the part I understood. But you were right. Hiding who I love isn't the same as hiding who I am.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
She's married. That's why there's nlthing I can do.
no subject
Yeah, well, it still blows. It doesn't have to be identical to empathsize, and I appreciate the notion. Thank you.
[ really, he does. d'artagnan goes out of his way far more than he needs to for jack and his childish feelings. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Not one that means much, if she'd rather be with you.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Marriage is an old man reciting old words and fading signatures on pretentious paper. They're family bargains and political movements. Don't let that decide your life for you, or for her.
Cw - suicide
He was a good match. He's a tailor. It would have been arranged, but contracts aren't easily broken. It's not that easy.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
He told her he'd kill himself to make her stay. So she did. Even if she didn't, I have nothing to offer her. No family, no home. No money. I have nothing except the Musketeers, except my honour.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And I left that behind on Ajna. So really? I'm worth even less than she thought.
Cw - suicide
You're worth a thousand tailors and then some, d'Artagnan, with or without what happened on Ajna or the Musketeers. You could be rolling around in the mud with pigs and you'd still be worth more.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you think her life will be any less miserable living with a man that threatens to kill himself to control her? What more, after he learns he can manipulate her into walking away from you with it?
[[ ooc; also, tossed up the beach thread for whenever he gets there /o/ ]]
no subject
I tried. She wouldn't come, I couldn't force her. I don't think you're wrong about him. But it's not my choice to make. I only had love to offer and it wasn't enough.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Why don't you take your own advice? You think she should escape and be with me. You should stop hiding, for the same reason. Your father isn't here.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And even if he were he couldn't force you into anything. You should live the way you want to. Maybe then you can be happy. I want that for you.
no subject
So find another way around it. Everyone has leverage, figure out what will work for her ingrate husband. If he's using suicide to threaten her, I sincerely doubt he'll actually go through with that. That's too selfish, and suicide isn't something you commit to on specific circumstances.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I mean to. I did tell them, d'Artagnan. The only reason I'd been keeping it quiet was the fact I didn't want them to hear yet. The universe we're in now, no one cares who I take to bed. I have that freedom already.
no subject
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Do you really think it’s that easy to get rid of a marriage? Even if it were, I can’t give her the life he could. Especially not now that I’m here.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I’m glad you told them, though. Does this mean it’s no longer a secret, from anyone?
no subject
I really do. You're giving her a life with you. If she loves you as much as you love her, it won't matter how much better or worse it is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
No longer a secret. Shout it from the hilltops if you'd like. [ actually no pls don't ]
no subject
I don't doubt how she feels. It's just not that simple. It's never been that simple.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
But that's good. I'm glad you told them, Jack.
no subject
I thought that too, once. [ and look what happened to him. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Yeah, well, touching as this is, I think Hanna's about to drag me into the surf for being anti-social. Are you on your way?
no subject
Yes. I'll see you soon, Jack.
no subject
See you soon.