[ A couple of things fall into place very quickly. Elena had dated Stefan, the man that Athos had been so wary of. That’s why she’d been so protective over him. And the man she’d loved was his brother. She’d loved two brothers, and the second of them had won her through retrieving a gift from the first.
That’s messy. That’s very messy. Not that d’Artagnan has remotely any space to talk when it comes to someone’s love life, but still. He can’t help wondering how Stefan felt about all of that. Athos is not d’Artagnan’s brother by blood, yet if he had known his connection to Milady at the time, he never would have slept with her. That Elena fell for Damon, d’Artagnan can well understand. That Damon would have ended up doing that to his own brother? Not so much.
But he won’t say any of that, won’t let anything that looks like judgment come through. That’s the last thing Elena needs to hear. ]
It’s all right. I think he would have wanted you to be happy, if you could. To move on. I know Armada can seem harsh, Elena, but I wonder if that’s what he wanted to tell you. In his own way. I remember thinking he was cold at first, but I don’t think so now. He wants us to protect each other, and help each other. Maybe he was trying to push you to talk.
[ elena's judged herself enough for the both of them, honestly. she spent so long trying to run from her feelings that she exhausted herself. in the end, now... she wishes she'd just accepted it and been with damon sooner. if this was the way it was going to end, if he was always going to die for stefan the way he did... they could have had so much more time. it was all her fault that their time was cut as short as it was -- they could have had a whole year together, rather than the paltry few months they'd had. but then, even a year wouldn't have felt like long enough. nothing short of centuries, of forever, would have been enough for her.
but they didn't get that, and elena just has to learn to live with it. armada made that clear. ]
Oh, I don't think Armada was harsh. He was right, I've let myself be consumed by this pain for too long. I trust Armada, if he says I've been moping too long then I have been, and I need to find a way to... not move on, because that's probably not possible, not with Damon. But I can use the pain, somehow.
[ though she's not exactly how to do that. she doesn't want to try to turn it into rage and use it to fight the things that will inevitably endanger the crew -- that seems like an insult to his memory, much as damon himself would probably approve of it. maybe instead she can use it to help people, like vriska when she was hallucinating and needed someone to try to bring her back. ]
You have to let yourself move on, Elena. If you don't, you'll always be stuck regretting what can't be. That's no way to live.
[ It's not.
It's really not. And saying it to her, giving her that advice, makes him think about it himself. Hasn't he been holding onto Constance, too? Even were he still in Paris, she would still be married and unable to be with him. Maybe it's time to take his own advice.
Maybe it's time he moved on, too. ]
You have to try. Even though you'll always love him, you can't let that stop you from living.
It's not a matter of letting myself move on. [ elena can't help but sound annoyed at the implication that she's holding herself back, but it's tempered by the knowledge that d'artagnan is just trying to help, so her next words are kinder. ] It's not that I'm trying not to move on, I just... genuinely don't think I'm capable.
[ then again, she would have said the same about stefan, and she got over him well enough. it's different with damon, though. she was never allowed to fall out of love with him before he was taken from her. and there is a part of her that feels as though moving on would somehow be a disservice to damon's memory, like letting go of him would mean she didn't actually love him. there's a pause, and then she continues, slowly. ]
Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am holding myself back. I guess I just feel like... Letting go of him would mean I never really loved him in the first place. I don't want to not love him. For years, I tried to pretend I didn't love him, and I cheated myself out of the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to hold on, even now that he's dead.
[ she's never thought of it like this before, but as she speaks she knows it's the truth. not only does she know it's the truth, she knows it's an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking, and she runs her hand over her face with a sigh. ]
I have a lot to think about now, d'Artagnan. Do you think we could talk about this again sometime later? I'm not trying to give you the brush off, I just didn't realize some of this stuff and I need to think about it more.
[ elena can see the truth in d'artagnan's words, but she can't feel it. it feels like if she lets go of damon she'll be betraying him somehow. he would never give up on her, not even in death, so what right does she have to do any less for him?
letting out a long breath, elena pushes her hand through her hair. obviously she's not going to make any headway through this kind of thinking in just one go. ]
Thank you. You're a good friend, d'Artagnan. We'll talk again soon.
[ and with that she ends her end of the call. this has all been a lot to think about, and she knows she should probably keep mulling things over, but to be perfectly honest all she wants to do is go get drunk in one of the hanaguchi clubs. so that's exactly what she's going to do. ]
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That’s messy. That’s very messy. Not that d’Artagnan has remotely any space to talk when it comes to someone’s love life, but still. He can’t help wondering how Stefan felt about all of that. Athos is not d’Artagnan’s brother by blood, yet if he had known his connection to Milady at the time, he never would have slept with her. That Elena fell for Damon, d’Artagnan can well understand. That Damon would have ended up doing that to his own brother? Not so much.
But he won’t say any of that, won’t let anything that looks like judgment come through. That’s the last thing Elena needs to hear. ]
It’s all right. I think he would have wanted you to be happy, if you could. To move on. I know Armada can seem harsh, Elena, but I wonder if that’s what he wanted to tell you. In his own way. I remember thinking he was cold at first, but I don’t think so now. He wants us to protect each other, and help each other. Maybe he was trying to push you to talk.
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but they didn't get that, and elena just has to learn to live with it. armada made that clear. ]
Oh, I don't think Armada was harsh. He was right, I've let myself be consumed by this pain for too long. I trust Armada, if he says I've been moping too long then I have been, and I need to find a way to... not move on, because that's probably not possible, not with Damon. But I can use the pain, somehow.
[ though she's not exactly how to do that. she doesn't want to try to turn it into rage and use it to fight the things that will inevitably endanger the crew -- that seems like an insult to his memory, much as damon himself would probably approve of it. maybe instead she can use it to help people, like vriska when she was hallucinating and needed someone to try to bring her back. ]
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[ It's not.
It's really not. And saying it to her, giving her that advice, makes him think about it himself. Hasn't he been holding onto Constance, too? Even were he still in Paris, she would still be married and unable to be with him. Maybe it's time to take his own advice.
Maybe it's time he moved on, too. ]
You have to try. Even though you'll always love him, you can't let that stop you from living.
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[ then again, she would have said the same about stefan, and she got over him well enough. it's different with damon, though. she was never allowed to fall out of love with him before he was taken from her. and there is a part of her that feels as though moving on would somehow be a disservice to damon's memory, like letting go of him would mean she didn't actually love him. there's a pause, and then she continues, slowly. ]
Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am holding myself back. I guess I just feel like... Letting go of him would mean I never really loved him in the first place. I don't want to not love him. For years, I tried to pretend I didn't love him, and I cheated myself out of the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to hold on, even now that he's dead.
[ she's never thought of it like this before, but as she speaks she knows it's the truth. not only does she know it's the truth, she knows it's an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking, and she runs her hand over her face with a sigh. ]
I have a lot to think about now, d'Artagnan. Do you think we could talk about this again sometime later? I'm not trying to give you the brush off, I just didn't realize some of this stuff and I need to think about it more.
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[ Especially when it's someone who died. Holding on to that will make her miserable.
He knows grief isn't so easily overcome, though. It has to run its course, and he believes that it eventually will. Even if she can't see that now. ]
It's all right. You called me. If you want to talk again, I'll still be here.
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[ elena can see the truth in d'artagnan's words, but she can't feel it. it feels like if she lets go of damon she'll be betraying him somehow. he would never give up on her, not even in death, so what right does she have to do any less for him?
letting out a long breath, elena pushes her hand through her hair. obviously she's not going to make any headway through this kind of thinking in just one go. ]
Thank you. You're a good friend, d'Artagnan. We'll talk again soon.
[ and with that she ends her end of the call. this has all been a lot to think about, and she knows she should probably keep mulling things over, but to be perfectly honest all she wants to do is go get drunk in one of the hanaguchi clubs. so that's exactly what she's going to do. ]