[ He looks down at Koroleva. He puts one arm around her neck, and pets her head while she lies on him. It's amazing to him that he ever found these creatures monstrous. Koroleva is nothing if not beautiful.
D'Artagnan's other hand squeezes Alina's. ]
It's not what you think.
Alina, half the time, I don't even know what I'm doing. There is another that I love. A woman, still in Paris, and still in my heart. I still think of her, often.
And yet I kissed Hanna. You think I should be happy? I'm not sure I deserve that at all.
[ A woman in Paris? Alina looks at him with curious eyes.
She moves closer to his side at that, her other hand coming to rest on his as she watches him. ]
Because you like two people? [ She asks incredulously.
Then laughs. ] d'Artagnan. I'm engaged to another man and I still... I still have feelings for you that I have no right to have. Do you think I don't deserve to be happy because of it?
It's not that simple. Love never is. Never has been. I've loved two others before this too. I don't think it's possible to only love one person and never feel anything else ever for anyone else.
You're not married. You've done nothing wrong. Don't think that you have.
[ He glances sharply at her when she says she has feelings for him. He knows that. He knows why she was blushing that time, he's not a fool.
She's right, though. He doesn't think that she doesn't deserve happiness. He wants Alina to be happy. He wants her to have everything.
But at those last words, he smiles without humour. ]
Is that what you think?
I'm not married. But she is, the woman I love. Constance Bonacieux. We had an affair, and it ended. We can't be together, but I love her still.
I shouldn't feel guilty for kissing anyone, but I do. Because I love her still. It's all wrong, Alina. This is what love does to people. It complicates everything.
Well she blushes slightly. Then scoots closer to him to lean against him, reaching to pet Koroleva with one hand while holding his still in the other. ]
It's her choice what she does. It's not your fault and I can't speak for her and her marriage. I don't know her.
But yes. It does complicate things. But it's worth it. Even when it crashes and burns, it's worth it. [ She says softly. ]
[ He's well sandwiched between the two of them now, which is actually fine with him. He pets Koroleva's head absently, while his arm rests against her warm flank. ]
She's...
[ He breaks off, the word ending in a kind of huffed, embarrassed laugh. ]
I met her when I first came to Paris. I was running from a group of men who thought I'd killed someone. Long story. Anyway, I told her I'd give her five livres to kiss me, and then I kissed her. The men ran on, and she threatened to gut me like a fish if I ever touched her again.
But she also drove her knee into the ribs I'd just broken, and I fainted a minute later. I woke up in her spare room, where I would live for the next two months.
[ It's strange to relate that story to anyone here. D'Artagnan ducks his head, remembering those weeks. It seemed like it had lasted longer, at the time. ]
She's the kindest woman I ever met. No one else would have done what she did.
[ This time the laughter isn't embarrassed. He looks up at her, warming to the theme now. ]
It got better. Once I met the Musketeers, I worked with them while I waited for a chance to earn a commission. I stayed with Constance, and she was always drawn into what we were doing.
She got me to teach her how to fight, and shoot. I always wanted to protect her, and I probably got her into more trouble than she'd ever dreamed of. But she seemed to like it. The adventure. In the end our affair, it didn't even last that long. She ended it, twice. I'm supposed to be moving on.
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That both helps and doesn't. Koroleva rests her head in his lap, her color evening out a little more again finally.
Alina averts her eyes now, her cheeks burning and that tightness in her chest. ]
I have no reason to be upset. [ She says softly. ] I'm ashamed that I do feel that way. I shouldn't. I should be happy for you.
And I am. I'm a little of both I suppose.
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D'Artagnan's other hand squeezes Alina's. ]
It's not what you think.
Alina, half the time, I don't even know what I'm doing. There is another that I love. A woman, still in Paris, and still in my heart. I still think of her, often.
And yet I kissed Hanna. You think I should be happy? I'm not sure I deserve that at all.
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She moves closer to his side at that, her other hand coming to rest on his as she watches him. ]
Because you like two people? [ She asks incredulously.
Then laughs. ] d'Artagnan. I'm engaged to another man and I still... I still have feelings for you that I have no right to have. Do you think I don't deserve to be happy because of it?
It's not that simple. Love never is. Never has been. I've loved two others before this too. I don't think it's possible to only love one person and never feel anything else ever for anyone else.
You're not married. You've done nothing wrong. Don't think that you have.
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She's right, though. He doesn't think that she doesn't deserve happiness. He wants Alina to be happy. He wants her to have everything.
But at those last words, he smiles without humour. ]
Is that what you think?
I'm not married. But she is, the woman I love. Constance Bonacieux. We had an affair, and it ended. We can't be together, but I love her still.
I shouldn't feel guilty for kissing anyone, but I do. Because I love her still. It's all wrong, Alina. This is what love does to people. It complicates everything.
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Oh.
Well she blushes slightly. Then scoots closer to him to lean against him, reaching to pet Koroleva with one hand while holding his still in the other. ]
It's her choice what she does. It's not your fault and I can't speak for her and her marriage. I don't know her.
But yes. It does complicate things. But it's worth it. Even when it crashes and burns, it's worth it. [ She says softly. ]
I once loved that Darkling. Sometimes I still do.
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He stares at her now, his own problems momentarily forgotten. How can she say it's worth it, if this is what she's been through. ]
He put that collar on you.
He made you his slave. And you loved him?
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I didn't say it was right to.
But sometimes we can't help the way we feel. No matter how wrong it is.
At least I did leave him!
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D'Artagnan sighs. He moves his arm around her then, so that he has one around Alina and one around Koroleva, and he's hugging them both. ]
No. You're right. We can't always help how we feel. I know that far too well.
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Tell me about your love in Paris. You've never mentioned her before.
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She's...
[ He breaks off, the word ending in a kind of huffed, embarrassed laugh. ]
I met her when I first came to Paris. I was running from a group of men who thought I'd killed someone. Long story. Anyway, I told her I'd give her five livres to kiss me, and then I kissed her. The men ran on, and she threatened to gut me like a fish if I ever touched her again.
But she also drove her knee into the ribs I'd just broken, and I fainted a minute later. I woke up in her spare room, where I would live for the next two months.
[ It's strange to relate that story to anyone here. D'Artagnan ducks his head, remembering those weeks. It seemed like it had lasted longer, at the time. ]
She's the kindest woman I ever met. No one else would have done what she did.
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But when he finishes, she grins at him. ]
I can tell you love her.
Only love could make a story that silly end the way you did. [ She beams at him. ]
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It got better. Once I met the Musketeers, I worked with them while I waited for a chance to earn a commission. I stayed with Constance, and she was always drawn into what we were doing.
She got me to teach her how to fight, and shoot. I always wanted to protect her, and I probably got her into more trouble than she'd ever dreamed of. But she seemed to like it. The adventure. In the end our affair, it didn't even last that long. She ended it, twice. I'm supposed to be moving on.
It's easier to say than to do.
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[ She hugs him tightly suddenly, making Koroleva shuffle slightly to make room for him. ]
Whatever makes you happy. I'll help you with it.
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I don't know if you can help me. I don't know what I want.
I still love her, Alina. I think I always will.
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I get that too...
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[ He looks at her, finally. ]
Not if I'm kissing another woman at the same time.
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[ She squeezes his hand as she takes it again. ]
Don't be so harsh on yourself.
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[ He leans back, though he keeps Alina's hand. ]
I don't know if Hanna will be this understanding.
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If it's not okay well.... things will sort themselves out eventually. [ Deep sigh. ]
They usually do.
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[ Though he's not sure it's ever going to sound particularly nice. D'Artagnan looks at her, fondness creeping into his eyes. ]
That was optimistic, though. Thanks.
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Sorry I reacted badly at first.
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You didn't.
I just don't want you to pretend with me. Even if I hurt you, I'd rather know.
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You're going to be a married woman, Alina.
[ Gently. ] I can't go down that path again. I'd drive myself mad.
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And now she knows. She knows what's happened to him and what she's doing.
She scoots away from him now, not looking at him. ]
I'm sorry. No, you're right. I can't do that to you either.
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