[ he pauses for a long moment, not sure how honest about this he should really be. were it someone he cared less about, on either side, he'd probably give some sort of noncommittal 'that's too bad' answer, tactful but empty, and carry on.
but these two are the closest friends he has. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I can't say I'd particularly blame her.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You're pining for a woman who won't have you. Despite whatever reason, that's the singular fact. A woman who won't have you in a world that you won't be going back to for a very long time.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you expect her to waste her happiness waiting for you to decide she's worth taking the risk for?
[ he knows how that turns out. joseph, is how that turns out. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One or the other of you could be dead tomorrow, in this business.
And yet when I told you about Constance, you were the one who told me not to give up.
[ The difference now is obvious to d’Artagnan. Then, Jack had been encouraging him for his own sake. Now he’s thinking about Hanna. Which is fair, and he can’t blame him for it, but that does tell him where Jack stands. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No, I don’t expect her to wait, and I didn’t ask her to. I can’t help who I fell in love with, Jack. If I could, I’d have changed it long before now.
That was when you didn't have an opportunity directly in front of you for happiness, that's willing to do more for you than she is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And, before we started dropping like flies.
[ it brings things into perspective - the incident just recently. he's read the files from macha, he knows what they're up against. this mission won't be like ajna. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Suit yourself. Hanna's a strong girl. She'll deal with it.
Maybe it will. That doesn't mean I can promise it will. I wasn't trying to hurt Hanna, Jack, I was just being honest. I owed her that much. Maybe she's the one who needs to find someone more available.
You needn’t worry. I won’t make it harder for her.
[ Which means, essentially, he won’t let things develop again, not after all of this. He’d only wanted to be honest, not to end things completely. But it’s done now. Maybe in the end, it’s fairer that way. ]
[ He doesn't reply again. This is awkward, and he doesn't really know what to do about it. He feels that it's not just Hanna he's lost today, and it seems too late to do anything about that at all. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I told her about Constance.
[ Given that he'd told Jack the full story, weeks ago on Selena, he doesn't think he needs to explain further. ]
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FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And how well did that go?
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Better than I thought it would.
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Which is relative to how bad you thought it would go. Honestly?
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I thought she'd be angry. She wasn't, but I don't think she wants to see me outside of team duties.
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but these two are the closest friends he has. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I can't say I'd particularly blame her.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You're pining for a woman who won't have you. Despite whatever reason, that's the singular fact. A woman who won't have you in a world that you won't be going back to for a very long time.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you expect her to waste her happiness waiting for you to decide she's worth taking the risk for?
[ he knows how that turns out. joseph, is how that turns out. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One or the other of you could be dead tomorrow, in this business.
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And yet when I told you about Constance, you were the one who told me not to give up.
[ The difference now is obvious to d’Artagnan. Then, Jack had been encouraging him for his own sake. Now he’s thinking about Hanna. Which is fair, and he can’t blame him for it, but that does tell him where Jack stands. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No, I don’t expect her to wait, and I didn’t ask her to. I can’t help who I fell in love with, Jack. If I could, I’d have changed it long before now.
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That was when you didn't have an opportunity directly in front of you for happiness, that's willing to do more for you than she is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And, before we started dropping like flies.
[ it brings things into perspective - the incident just recently. he's read the files from macha, he knows what they're up against. this mission won't be like ajna. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Suit yourself. Hanna's a strong girl. She'll deal with it.
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So it would be better for me to pretend I feel nothing for Constance, while still being with Hanna because shes the one who's available?
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm sorry, Jack, but that's wrong. I won't do it to her, and you shouldn't want me to.
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No. I want you to get over Constance.
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Don't you think I've been trying? That's easier said than done. I realised that when I almost died, and she was all I could think about.
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Then you're screwed either way.
[ there isnt really anything reassuring to say about that that doesn't feel full of shit to him. sometimes life just sucks. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One can hope time will change it.
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Maybe it will. That doesn't mean I can promise it will. I wasn't trying to hurt Hanna, Jack, I was just being honest. I owed her that much. Maybe she's the one who needs to find someone more available.
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I didn't think you were. However, you may wish to keep that in mind before kissing another girl here.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
It's not my emotional complication, d'Artagnan, you don't have to explain it to me. I was just giving an opinion.
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I'd take that back, if I could. In that moment I thought things could be different. I made a mistake.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
This is me trying to make it right.
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Giving her space is likely the best thing you can do for her, at this point.
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What do you think I'm doing, Jack?
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I know. I’m telling you you’re doing right.
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You needn’t worry. I won’t make it harder for her.
[ Which means, essentially, he won’t let things develop again, not after all of this. He’d only wanted to be honest, not to end things completely. But it’s done now. Maybe in the end, it’s fairer that way. ]
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I trust that you won't.
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