But he doesn't argue. If he did, it would be a lie. He knows that. ]
Then there is nothing stronger than my affection for you.
I'm not going to ignore your concerns, or let you down. I believe, truly, that Elena is no monster. Not at heart. I'll be wary. I promise you that, but her coming saved my life in those caves. Would you have me ignore that debt?
[ His jaw goes tight and his eyes flick away and settle at his own hands. He'd failed to keep d'Artagnan and Aramis safe in that moment and Elena had been one of the ones to rescue them both. D'Artagnan is right. No matter how much he distrusts her. ]
No. [ He lets out a breath and when he speaks next it's more human. Athos talking as a friend rather than someone trying to lead and protect. ] We've both been taken in by people before. I'm just concerned about you. Of course I trust you to make the right decision.
[ D'Artagnan's quiet for a moment, watching him. Considering him.
Then, carefully, he puts his hand on Athos' arm. He squeezes it. ]
She lied, I know.
But she's not. This isn't Milady de Winter returned to haunt us, Athos. I promise you I won't underestimate her. Nor will I let any one of them take you. All right?
[ He hates to appear weak at any time. But somehow d'Artagnan has always had a habit of understanding him, seeing through the cracks in his armour to the person he is underneath. Perhaps it is getting easier simply because it's him. ]
You're right. [ Things are different here. He knows he shouldn't judge everyone by his stringent moral standards but he can't quite stop. ] This place simply has little to make me feel at ease. I confess I'm not quite as lenient as I could be.
You were never all that lenient when it came to lies, or pain. That's not because of here. That's just because you're Athos.
[ Which d'Artagnan says with a great lot of affection, and a smile that's genuine. It's a large part of why he could never act against Athos. Why he'd grown so attached to him in the first place. ]
She is not anything that could exist, where we're from. That doesn't make her a bad person, in itself. She promised she would try to keep people safe from her friend. I don't see that I can ask more of her than that.
[ He hums and takes another deep gulp of his drink, feeling the wine burning down inside of him and spreading to the edges of his body. He doesn't have it in him to argue. So instead he simply lets his shoulder rest against d'Artagnan's, lets his exhale do the agreeing for him. ]
Life before was hard but at least it was simple. [ He knew who to hate, who to fight, who to love, who to protect. Here it's all a mess. Athos no closer to understanding himself as he was before. He'd just let go of one noose to step into another. ]
[ D'Artagnan leans easily against him, comfortable with the weight of Athos against his shoulder. He smiles a little, wryly, when he thinks back on their time at home. ]
I'm not sure it ever seemed simple at the time. Are you talking about when I almost killed you, or when we realised your dead wife was trying to kill us all?
Someone wanting to kill me was so commonplace it hardly registered. [ He smirks a little, letting his eyes drift close even as they speak. It's strange how calmly he can talk of it now. The time they very nearly lost one another to a mad woman's schemes. ]
[ D'Artagnan rolls his eyes, shooting Athos a dry look. Seeing his friend's eyes have closed, though, he relaxed back, letting his own head drop against the wall behind him. ]
I never thought I'd see you nostalgic for all that.
You'll deal with this, too. Or rather we will. [ A pause. ] Though if you could avoid shooting me this time, I'd be grateful.
Shooting bad men and stopping evil schemes? Of course I am. [ He's only half joking. Being a Musketeer is simple. You run the bastards who deserve it through and you stop politics when it endangers value. He understands that. The CDC doesn't follow the same rules. They're too blatant in their observations, they'd hardly need a network of spies. ]
If you keep throwing your knife around I might be forced to. [ Shoot him, that is. ]
How will I learn to throw it on target if I have to keep it in my hand? I'm just trying to expand my skills base, Athos, you should be pleased.
[ He doesn't say anything about the rest. How they can't kill the bad men anymore, because in any fair world, the CDC would be the bad men. They've joined the wrong side. ]
I'll make it one day. I'll save all our lives with a throwing knife, you wait and see.
If that comes about then I shall surely eat my hat. [ He sounds lazy and comfortable, his wine glass caught between his thighs to balance it. He still has some liquid left but makes no move to drink it.
[ D'Artagnan looks down at him. Athos seems comfortable, and noticeably more quiet. D'Artagnan lets the silence settle, not feeling the need to fill it around his friend. His own wine is sipped slowly, and starts a comfortable blur in his mind. ]
[ He'd be surprised by how quickly he falls asleep were he aware of it. But Athos isn't. It just comes over him like settling a cloak above his shoulders. The only thing that really gives him away is the way his head dips, chin pointing towards his chest, his facial expression softened and slack. He's been so tired and it's of little wonder it's here, where he feels safest, that it finally takes him. ]
[ D'Artagnan's surprised, at first. He glances down when he feels that movement and sees his friend lying there, eyes closed, still leaning on him.
For a few moments, d'Artagnan lets him lie, assuming he'll jolt awake again. But he doesn't, and moments turn into minutes, and then minutes start ticking by, and its already late.
Finally, d'Artagnan puts a gentle, yet firm hand on Athos' arm, and gives him a little shake. ]
Athos. Athos? I'm sorry, truly, but if you're going to sleep I need to get you back. Staying with me isn't worth the curfew alarm.
[ He awakes with the same kind of start he always does around here and for a moment his hand is curled tightly around d'Artagnan's wrist before he lets go. Blinking does very little to clear the cloud of tired from his eyes but he bows his head and clears his throat. ]
My apologies. I don't know what came over me. [ His cup gets placed safely somewhere before he's scooting to stand. ] You needn't concern yourself. I can make my way back.
[ Concerned, d'Artagnan gets up and slides out of the bunk, before
holding out a hand to his friend. It's clear that Athos is tired. It's not
like him to fall asleep like that, and d'Artagnan has the distinct
impression that if he hadn't woken him, he'd have stayed that way.
That's not like him at all. ]
When's the last time you slept? You look exhausted. I'm not letting you
walk back alone.
[ For more than a handle of stolen moments? He's not sure. Not in the past couple of days anyway. But instead of answering his jaw goes tight and he averts his gaze. ]
For longer than a few hours at a time? [ He raises his eyes to the ceiling of the rover like he almost wishes his friend's weren't so perspective. ] I don't know.
[ He sighs and the fight goes out of his posture. He glances at d'Artagnan and shrugs his shoulders, a weariness settling into his stance. ] I've always had difficulty sleeping. Here it just seems more elusive. [ Less wine to drown out his nightmares or perhaps his body simply doesn't remember how to fall asleep like a normal person? ]
[ So not since they’ve been here, most likely. D’Artagnan stares at him. He’d struggled too, at first. The 72 hour day hadn’t been easy to get used to, but it hadn’t been impossible. He shakes his head. ]
Why?
You have to sleep. With what they put us through here, you have to. Is it your rover? I can put in a request, try and get you moved here with me. Would that help?
[ He should have pinched himself to keep his mind alert. That's what he's taking from this. ]
A different rover would do very little, d'Artagnan. [ Because he's so used to drinking himself asleep. Or exhausting himself. On the days they fight here he finds it easier, his mind slipping away into an exhausted black hole. ] My thoughts are too loud, some nights. That's all.
[ He wants to bristle and shake off the concern, but he knows how hopeless that would be. D'Artagnan is only worried about him and would Athos not be here himself, if the roles were reversed and his friend were the one suffering? ]
I know. Believe me, I do what I can. Sometimes it just isn't enough. [ He can't let the cloying fear at the back of his throat go, or the strain of holding it all together. ] I'll be fine. I'll sleep eventually.
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But he doesn't argue. If he did, it would be a lie. He knows that. ]
Then there is nothing stronger than my affection for you.
I'm not going to ignore your concerns, or let you down. I believe, truly, that Elena is no monster. Not at heart. I'll be wary. I promise you that, but her coming saved my life in those caves. Would you have me ignore that debt?
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No. [ He lets out a breath and when he speaks next it's more human. Athos talking as a friend rather than someone trying to lead and protect. ] We've both been taken in by people before. I'm just concerned about you. Of course I trust you to make the right decision.
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Then, carefully, he puts his hand on Athos' arm. He squeezes it. ]
She lied, I know.
But she's not. This isn't Milady de Winter returned to haunt us, Athos. I promise you I won't underestimate her. Nor will I let any one of them take you. All right?
I won't allow it.
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You're right. [ Things are different here. He knows he shouldn't judge everyone by his stringent moral standards but he can't quite stop. ] This place simply has little to make me feel at ease. I confess I'm not quite as lenient as I could be.
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[ Which d'Artagnan says with a great lot of affection, and a smile that's genuine. It's a large part of why he could never act against Athos. Why he'd grown so attached to him in the first place. ]
She is not anything that could exist, where we're from. That doesn't make her a bad person, in itself. She promised she would try to keep people safe from her friend. I don't see that I can ask more of her than that.
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Life before was hard but at least it was simple. [ He knew who to hate, who to fight, who to love, who to protect. Here it's all a mess. Athos no closer to understanding himself as he was before. He'd just let go of one noose to step into another. ]
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I'm not sure it ever seemed simple at the time. Are you talking about when I almost killed you, or when we realised your dead wife was trying to kill us all?
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At least I knew how to deal with that.
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I never thought I'd see you nostalgic for all that.
You'll deal with this, too. Or rather we will. [ A pause. ] Though if you could avoid shooting me this time, I'd be grateful.
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If you keep throwing your knife around I might be forced to. [ Shoot him, that is. ]
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How will I learn to throw it on target if I have to keep it in my hand? I'm just trying to expand my skills base, Athos, you should be pleased.
[ He doesn't say anything about the rest. How they can't kill the bad men anymore, because in any fair world, the CDC would be the bad men. They've joined the wrong side. ]
I'll make it one day. I'll save all our lives with a throwing knife, you wait and see.
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For the most part he remains silent. ]
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[ D'Artagnan looks down at him. Athos seems comfortable, and noticeably more quiet. D'Artagnan lets the silence settle, not feeling the need to fill it around his friend. His own wine is sipped slowly, and starts a comfortable blur in his mind. ]
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For a few moments, d'Artagnan lets him lie, assuming he'll jolt awake again. But he doesn't, and moments turn into minutes, and then minutes start ticking by, and its already late.
Finally, d'Artagnan puts a gentle, yet firm hand on Athos' arm, and gives him a little shake. ]
Athos. Athos? I'm sorry, truly, but if you're going to sleep I need to get you back. Staying with me isn't worth the curfew alarm.
Come on. I'll walk you back.
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My apologies. I don't know what came over me. [ His cup gets placed safely somewhere before he's scooting to stand. ] You needn't concern yourself. I can make my way back.
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No you won't.
[ Concerned, d'Artagnan gets up and slides out of the bunk, before holding out a hand to his friend. It's clear that Athos is tired. It's not like him to fall asleep like that, and d'Artagnan has the distinct impression that if he hadn't woken him, he'd have stayed that way.
That's not like him at all. ]
When's the last time you slept? You look exhausted. I'm not letting you walk back alone.
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I'm fine. It was the wine.
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The truth, this time.
When?
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[ He sighs and the fight goes out of his posture. He glances at d'Artagnan and shrugs his shoulders, a weariness settling into his stance. ] I've always had difficulty sleeping. Here it just seems more elusive. [ Less wine to drown out his nightmares or perhaps his body simply doesn't remember how to fall asleep like a normal person? ]
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Why?
You have to sleep. With what they put us through here, you have to. Is it your rover? I can put in a request, try and get you moved here with me. Would that help?
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A different rover would do very little, d'Artagnan. [ Because he's so used to drinking himself asleep. Or exhausting himself. On the days they fight here he finds it easier, his mind slipping away into an exhausted black hole. ] My thoughts are too loud, some nights. That's all.
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It's because of this place, isn't it. It's the things they ask of us here.
Athos, you can't do this. You'll not be able to fight if you're exhausted.
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I know. Believe me, I do what I can. Sometimes it just isn't enough. [ He can't let the cloying fear at the back of his throat go, or the strain of holding it all together. ] I'll be fine. I'll sleep eventually.
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[ D’Artagnan moves to put an arm around him, to support him while they walk, and if Athos tries to brush him off he’ll ignore it. ]
Have you been struggling with this since you got here? You should have told me.
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