[ oh, she would. but that's not who elena is. she wouldn't get in the way if someone else wanted to kill her, but neither is she going to kill katherine herself. ]
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
There's no need to be, I'll be alright. Like I said, she's only human. She can't hurt me.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
We do. She looks like my twin, basically. If you can't tell us apart just text me. I'll let you know which of us it is.
I know you're saying you'll be fine, but just in case you're not. Please, please text me if you need help? For any reason. She's human, I can handle a human.
It's alright. I'll be fine, I just worry about what she's going to try to do to my friends. She made my boyfriend think I didn't love him by pretending to me, she'll do anything to mess with me.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
I will, d'Artagnan, don't worry. If I need help you're one of the first people I'll go to.
Eventually. It took a while, but we eventually made up.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
He died right after, though.
[ d'artagnan is the first person she's actually told this, other than dagger. jack saw the conversation and they talked about it after, but d'artagnan is the first friend she's actually wanted to tell. part of that is a desire to just... get it off her chest. maybe if she talks about it more, tries to start healing, it'll be easier to deal with, and she can focus like armada wants her to. ]
It's complicated. He died to try to save his brother, and it worked, but... he wasn't able to come back.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
It happened right before I came here, so... the pain isn't as fresh. But that's part of the reason I was put on probation, Armada thinks I've moped too much.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
He's right. I need to try to move on, as best I can. Maybe talking about it will help.
[ Armada thinks she’s been moping. That raises d’Artagnan’s hackles
a little. How can you tell someone when to stop grieving for someone they
love? When to stop feeling? It’s impossible. Normal people can’t just turn
off their emotions like that. Especially not here, when so much is asked of
them. Has Elena been able to visit a grave? Speak to her family, her
friends? It doesn’t seem right.
Annoyed, and thinking that she deserves better than that, he
switches to audio, and calls her instead. ]
CALLING: dartagnan@cdc.org
Moving on isn’t always easy. But if you can talk about it now, that’s a
good sign. I’ll help, if I can. I can listen, at the very least. Or I can
come and see you, if you’d rather not be alone.
[ elena could turn off her feelings, if she wanted to. it would be easy, just like flipping a switch, and then she would feel nothing. all she would care about is her own survival, and what she has to do to ensure it. but that's a cheat and a lie, and elena doesn't like to do either of those things, and certainly not to herself. she's done lying to herself about her feelings, no matter what they are. for the longest time she lied about being in love with damon, and then she cheated herself out of feeling the pain of jeremy's death. she's not going to cheat herself out of feeling the full brunt of damon's too.
she's surprised when d'artagnan calls her, but answers quickly. ]
CALLING: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
I'm alright, for now, but I appreciate the gesture, d'Artagnan. I'll probably just drink a bit and allow myself one last day to mope. Damon wouldn't have wanted me to stop living just because of him. I tried not to, anyway, but I guess I just didn't try hard enough. I'll be better after this, though.
No. He wouldn't have, not if he loved you in return. But it's never easy, Elena. Leaving behind someone you love is never easy. It's worse that he was taken from you.
[ He won't make her talk about it if she doesn't want to. He'll be here for her if she does, though. ]
I'm sorry. I really am. I know you'd lost a lot before you came here. I'm sorry you lost him.
He did love me. More than anything. [ if there's anything in this world that elena is sure of, it's that. the grass is green, the sky is blue, and damon salvatore loved her more than anything else in the world. it was a simple fact of the universe. ] We were supposed to have forever...
[ a short pause, and then elena sighs. ]
We were supposed to, but we don't, and I need to find a way to come to terms with that. [ the thing is, while elena's doing her best to sound as upbeat as she can, the truth of the matter is that talking about damon in the past tense is as excruciatingly painful today as it was when she was dropped into lusania to save eggs all those months ago. this is one loss she can't see herself getting over easily, but she has to figure out a way. either that, or learn to use the pain, somehow, rather than be consumed by it whenever she thinks about him. ]
It's alright. I've lost a lot more than just one boyfriend in my lifetime, I can learn to live with this.
[ Grief is difficult. It always is, no matter what it concerns. D'Artagnan knows that. He's been there, he's felt it. He's made terrible mistakes because of it, he knows.
He doesn't want her to make similar mistakes, though. Especially not if Armada is putting pressure on her about it. She's both his friend, and his squadmate now. From both perspectives, he should try to help her. ]
It might take time. If it does, that's all right. When you lose someone they still stay with you, inside. You can't just make yourself not think about them. I don't even think you should try, I think...
I think you should think about him. And think about what he would want for you, if he were here now. Then you do it, or you try to do it. To honour him. Because that's the part that's left to you, when the rest is gone.
[ d'artagnan's faith in her is bolstering, and elena finds herself smiling despite the painful turn her thoughts have taken. sometimes getting through loss is just a matter of needing people to lean on when things get too hard -- she's learned that over and over by now, that having a good support system is the difference between getting lost in your pain and finding your way through it. she's got jack, she's got d'artagnan, she's got vriska... it'll be hard, it's always hard, but she'll find her way through, she has to.
and if there's a part of her that thinks about the fact that they brought katherine back from the dead for her contract and thinks they could do the same for damon, well... she's trying hard not to acknowledge it. it doesn't take a genius to know that hoping that damon will be part of the next recruitment drive will just drive her crazy, in the end. if he shows up, he shows up, and she'll take it from there. for now, she's not even going to think of the possibility. ]
Thinking about him is easier said than done, sometimes. It's... it's agonizing, every time, like my heart is breaking all over again. But he deserves to be remembered, no matter how much it hurts, right? I love him, so the pain is just... part of that.
[ a laugh, though, when he says that he should think of what damon would want for her. ]
Well, Damon's not exactly the best role model, I don't know if I should do the things he would want me to. I know he'd want me to be happy, though. I can do that -- I can try to do that. [ it's not easy to be happy without him, not in any lasting sense -- she's been happy enough, though fleetingly, when she's hanging out with vriska or d'artagnan or any of her other friends -- but she has to try. her life can't end just because damon's did. he wouldn't want that. ]
You've got to try. It doesn't mean you forget about him, or any of that. But no one who loves you would want you to spend your life grieving for them. He'd want you to be happy.
[ At least, he assumes that's true. D'Artagnan has never met Damon, but he knows about love. And he knows about loss. He'd needed to find closure before he could move on from his father's death - had needed to avenge him, to pay back the man who killed him. Even that hadn't killed his grief completely, since when he lost the farm to Labarge, it came back in full force. But the rest of the time, he'd tried to make his life something that his father would be proud of, if he were still alive.
Of course, now it's all different. The CDC have changed that game. They've made d'Artagnan's life something he's struggling to justify, much less be proud of. But they've also brought his father back, and that brings with it a whole new set of problems.
He doesn't want to say that to Elena, doesn't want to suggest that she bargain with them in that way. If she asked for Damon's life, she'd be beholden to them for it just like d'Artagnan is for his father now. So he won't say it. He won't even suggest it. ]
It's good if you can talk about it now. That might help. I can always listen, if you want.
He would. My happiness was always more important to him than anything else, even his. Before we were together I was with his brother, and Damon ended up trying to keep us together because Stefan was who made me happy. There was this time...
[ she smiles faintly, and her hand goes to rub over her neck where the necklace stefan gave her once sat. it started out as a symbol of her bond with stefan, but over time it morphed into a symbol of damon's love for her instead. he brought it back to her three times, each time at great personal cost, because he knew what it -- what stefan meant to her, and she'd never thanked him for that. ]
Stefan gave me a necklace, when we first started dating. I never took it off, it represented our bond. It was taken from me, once, and Damon brought it back even knowing what it meant to me about Stefan, even though it must have hurt him so much to do it. He loved me, and he searched a whole summer to just to get it back. He was so selfless, then, he always was with me. If there's anything he'd want for me now, it's for me to be happy.
That's when I fell in love with him, I think.
[ her words are soft -- she's never said this before to anyone, afraid of what it would mean if she did. she wasn't with stefan then, not technically, but her heart should have belonged to him entirely, not been divided between the two brothers the way it was. but she had been falling for damon nearly the entire time she was with stefan, she can admit that now. ]
Thank you for listening. It means a lot, d'Artagnan, really.
[ A couple of things fall into place very quickly. Elena had dated Stefan, the man that Athos had been so wary of. That’s why she’d been so protective over him. And the man she’d loved was his brother. She’d loved two brothers, and the second of them had won her through retrieving a gift from the first.
That’s messy. That’s very messy. Not that d’Artagnan has remotely any space to talk when it comes to someone’s love life, but still. He can’t help wondering how Stefan felt about all of that. Athos is not d’Artagnan’s brother by blood, yet if he had known his connection to Milady at the time, he never would have slept with her. That Elena fell for Damon, d’Artagnan can well understand. That Damon would have ended up doing that to his own brother? Not so much.
But he won’t say any of that, won’t let anything that looks like judgment come through. That’s the last thing Elena needs to hear. ]
It’s all right. I think he would have wanted you to be happy, if you could. To move on. I know Armada can seem harsh, Elena, but I wonder if that’s what he wanted to tell you. In his own way. I remember thinking he was cold at first, but I don’t think so now. He wants us to protect each other, and help each other. Maybe he was trying to push you to talk.
[ elena's judged herself enough for the both of them, honestly. she spent so long trying to run from her feelings that she exhausted herself. in the end, now... she wishes she'd just accepted it and been with damon sooner. if this was the way it was going to end, if he was always going to die for stefan the way he did... they could have had so much more time. it was all her fault that their time was cut as short as it was -- they could have had a whole year together, rather than the paltry few months they'd had. but then, even a year wouldn't have felt like long enough. nothing short of centuries, of forever, would have been enough for her.
but they didn't get that, and elena just has to learn to live with it. armada made that clear. ]
Oh, I don't think Armada was harsh. He was right, I've let myself be consumed by this pain for too long. I trust Armada, if he says I've been moping too long then I have been, and I need to find a way to... not move on, because that's probably not possible, not with Damon. But I can use the pain, somehow.
[ though she's not exactly how to do that. she doesn't want to try to turn it into rage and use it to fight the things that will inevitably endanger the crew -- that seems like an insult to his memory, much as damon himself would probably approve of it. maybe instead she can use it to help people, like vriska when she was hallucinating and needed someone to try to bring her back. ]
You have to let yourself move on, Elena. If you don't, you'll always be stuck regretting what can't be. That's no way to live.
[ It's not.
It's really not. And saying it to her, giving her that advice, makes him think about it himself. Hasn't he been holding onto Constance, too? Even were he still in Paris, she would still be married and unable to be with him. Maybe it's time to take his own advice.
Maybe it's time he moved on, too. ]
You have to try. Even though you'll always love him, you can't let that stop you from living.
It's not a matter of letting myself move on. [ elena can't help but sound annoyed at the implication that she's holding herself back, but it's tempered by the knowledge that d'artagnan is just trying to help, so her next words are kinder. ] It's not that I'm trying not to move on, I just... genuinely don't think I'm capable.
[ then again, she would have said the same about stefan, and she got over him well enough. it's different with damon, though. she was never allowed to fall out of love with him before he was taken from her. and there is a part of her that feels as though moving on would somehow be a disservice to damon's memory, like letting go of him would mean she didn't actually love him. there's a pause, and then she continues, slowly. ]
Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am holding myself back. I guess I just feel like... Letting go of him would mean I never really loved him in the first place. I don't want to not love him. For years, I tried to pretend I didn't love him, and I cheated myself out of the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to hold on, even now that he's dead.
[ she's never thought of it like this before, but as she speaks she knows it's the truth. not only does she know it's the truth, she knows it's an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking, and she runs her hand over her face with a sigh. ]
I have a lot to think about now, d'Artagnan. Do you think we could talk about this again sometime later? I'm not trying to give you the brush off, I just didn't realize some of this stuff and I need to think about it more.
[ elena can see the truth in d'artagnan's words, but she can't feel it. it feels like if she lets go of damon she'll be betraying him somehow. he would never give up on her, not even in death, so what right does she have to do any less for him?
letting out a long breath, elena pushes her hand through her hair. obviously she's not going to make any headway through this kind of thinking in just one go. ]
Thank you. You're a good friend, d'Artagnan. We'll talk again soon.
[ and with that she ends her end of the call. this has all been a lot to think about, and she knows she should probably keep mulling things over, but to be perfectly honest all she wants to do is go get drunk in one of the hanaguchi clubs. so that's exactly what she's going to do. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Keep her in line. So long as she's good, I won't do anything. If she's not... I'll take care of it.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
Not by killing her, if that's what you're worried about.
no subject
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm worried about you.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
What's the best way to tell the difference between you? Do you look identical, aside from the hair?
no subject
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
There's no need to be, I'll be alright. Like I said, she's only human. She can't hurt me.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
We do. She looks like my twin, basically. If you can't tell us apart just text me. I'll let you know which of us it is.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
Here's hoping she doesn't actually join the crew.
no subject
I'll watch out for her. I'm sorry, Elena.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I know you're saying you'll be fine, but just in case you're not. Please, please text me if you need help? For any reason. She's human, I can handle a human.
no subject
It's alright. I'll be fine, I just worry about what she's going to try to do to my friends. She made my boyfriend think I didn't love him by pretending to me, she'll do anything to mess with me.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
I will, d'Artagnan, don't worry. If I need help you're one of the first people I'll go to.
no subject
Did you fix it? What she did. Lies like that are the kind you shouldn't ever believe, but they're the hardest not to.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Just be safe, that's all I want.
no subject
Eventually. It took a while, but we eventually made up.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
He died right after, though.
[ d'artagnan is the first person she's actually told this, other than dagger. jack saw the conversation and they talked about it after, but d'artagnan is the first friend she's actually wanted to tell. part of that is a desire to just... get it off her chest. maybe if she talks about it more, tries to start healing, it'll be easier to deal with, and she can focus like armada wants her to. ]
no subject
Oh. Oh, Elena, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
What happened to him?
no subject
It's complicated. He died to try to save his brother, and it worked, but... he wasn't able to come back.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
It happened right before I came here, so... the pain isn't as fresh. But that's part of the reason I was put on probation, Armada thinks I've moped too much.
FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
He's right. I need to try to move on, as best I can. Maybe talking about it will help.
no subject
[ Armada thinks she’s been moping. That raises d’Artagnan’s hackles a little. How can you tell someone when to stop grieving for someone they love? When to stop feeling? It’s impossible. Normal people can’t just turn off their emotions like that. Especially not here, when so much is asked of them. Has Elena been able to visit a grave? Speak to her family, her friends? It doesn’t seem right.
Annoyed, and thinking that she deserves better than that, he switches to audio, and calls her instead. ]
CALLING: dartagnan@cdc.org
Moving on isn’t always easy. But if you can talk about it now, that’s a good sign. I’ll help, if I can. I can listen, at the very least. Or I can come and see you, if you’d rather not be alone.
no subject
she's surprised when d'artagnan calls her, but answers quickly. ]
CALLING: gilbert.elena@cdc.org
I'm alright, for now, but I appreciate the gesture, d'Artagnan. I'll probably just drink a bit and allow myself one last day to mope. Damon wouldn't have wanted me to stop living just because of him. I tried not to, anyway, but I guess I just didn't try hard enough. I'll be better after this, though.
Permanent audio
[ He won't make her talk about it if she doesn't want to. He'll be here for her if she does, though. ]
I'm sorry. I really am. I know you'd lost a lot before you came here. I'm sorry you lost him.
no subject
[ a short pause, and then elena sighs. ]
We were supposed to, but we don't, and I need to find a way to come to terms with that. [ the thing is, while elena's doing her best to sound as upbeat as she can, the truth of the matter is that talking about damon in the past tense is as excruciatingly painful today as it was when she was dropped into lusania to save eggs all those months ago. this is one loss she can't see herself getting over easily, but she has to figure out a way. either that, or learn to use the pain, somehow, rather than be consumed by it whenever she thinks about him. ]
It's alright. I've lost a lot more than just one boyfriend in my lifetime, I can learn to live with this.
no subject
[ Grief is difficult. It always is, no matter what it concerns. D'Artagnan knows that. He's been there, he's felt it. He's made terrible mistakes because of it, he knows.
He doesn't want her to make similar mistakes, though. Especially not if Armada is putting pressure on her about it. She's both his friend, and his squadmate now. From both perspectives, he should try to help her. ]
It might take time. If it does, that's all right. When you lose someone they still stay with you, inside. You can't just make yourself not think about them. I don't even think you should try, I think...
I think you should think about him. And think about what he would want for you, if he were here now. Then you do it, or you try to do it. To honour him. Because that's the part that's left to you, when the rest is gone.
no subject
and if there's a part of her that thinks about the fact that they brought katherine back from the dead for her contract and thinks they could do the same for damon, well... she's trying hard not to acknowledge it. it doesn't take a genius to know that hoping that damon will be part of the next recruitment drive will just drive her crazy, in the end. if he shows up, he shows up, and she'll take it from there. for now, she's not even going to think of the possibility. ]
Thinking about him is easier said than done, sometimes. It's... it's agonizing, every time, like my heart is breaking all over again. But he deserves to be remembered, no matter how much it hurts, right? I love him, so the pain is just... part of that.
[ a laugh, though, when he says that he should think of what damon would want for her. ]
Well, Damon's not exactly the best role model, I don't know if I should do the things he would want me to. I know he'd want me to be happy, though. I can do that -- I can try to do that. [ it's not easy to be happy without him, not in any lasting sense -- she's been happy enough, though fleetingly, when she's hanging out with vriska or d'artagnan or any of her other friends -- but she has to try. her life can't end just because damon's did. he wouldn't want that. ]
no subject
[ At least, he assumes that's true. D'Artagnan has never met Damon, but he knows about love. And he knows about loss. He'd needed to find closure before he could move on from his father's death - had needed to avenge him, to pay back the man who killed him. Even that hadn't killed his grief completely, since when he lost the farm to Labarge, it came back in full force. But the rest of the time, he'd tried to make his life something that his father would be proud of, if he were still alive.
Of course, now it's all different. The CDC have changed that game. They've made d'Artagnan's life something he's struggling to justify, much less be proud of. But they've also brought his father back, and that brings with it a whole new set of problems.
He doesn't want to say that to Elena, doesn't want to suggest that she bargain with them in that way. If she asked for Damon's life, she'd be beholden to them for it just like d'Artagnan is for his father now. So he won't say it. He won't even suggest it. ]
It's good if you can talk about it now. That might help. I can always listen, if you want.
no subject
[ she smiles faintly, and her hand goes to rub over her neck where the necklace stefan gave her once sat. it started out as a symbol of her bond with stefan, but over time it morphed into a symbol of damon's love for her instead. he brought it back to her three times, each time at great personal cost, because he knew what it -- what stefan meant to her, and she'd never thanked him for that. ]
Stefan gave me a necklace, when we first started dating. I never took it off, it represented our bond. It was taken from me, once, and Damon brought it back even knowing what it meant to me about Stefan, even though it must have hurt him so much to do it. He loved me, and he searched a whole summer to just to get it back. He was so selfless, then, he always was with me. If there's anything he'd want for me now, it's for me to be happy.
That's when I fell in love with him, I think.
[ her words are soft -- she's never said this before to anyone, afraid of what it would mean if she did. she wasn't with stefan then, not technically, but her heart should have belonged to him entirely, not been divided between the two brothers the way it was. but she had been falling for damon nearly the entire time she was with stefan, she can admit that now. ]
Thank you for listening. It means a lot, d'Artagnan, really.
no subject
That’s messy. That’s very messy. Not that d’Artagnan has remotely any space to talk when it comes to someone’s love life, but still. He can’t help wondering how Stefan felt about all of that. Athos is not d’Artagnan’s brother by blood, yet if he had known his connection to Milady at the time, he never would have slept with her. That Elena fell for Damon, d’Artagnan can well understand. That Damon would have ended up doing that to his own brother? Not so much.
But he won’t say any of that, won’t let anything that looks like judgment come through. That’s the last thing Elena needs to hear. ]
It’s all right. I think he would have wanted you to be happy, if you could. To move on. I know Armada can seem harsh, Elena, but I wonder if that’s what he wanted to tell you. In his own way. I remember thinking he was cold at first, but I don’t think so now. He wants us to protect each other, and help each other. Maybe he was trying to push you to talk.
no subject
but they didn't get that, and elena just has to learn to live with it. armada made that clear. ]
Oh, I don't think Armada was harsh. He was right, I've let myself be consumed by this pain for too long. I trust Armada, if he says I've been moping too long then I have been, and I need to find a way to... not move on, because that's probably not possible, not with Damon. But I can use the pain, somehow.
[ though she's not exactly how to do that. she doesn't want to try to turn it into rage and use it to fight the things that will inevitably endanger the crew -- that seems like an insult to his memory, much as damon himself would probably approve of it. maybe instead she can use it to help people, like vriska when she was hallucinating and needed someone to try to bring her back. ]
no subject
[ It's not.
It's really not. And saying it to her, giving her that advice, makes him think about it himself. Hasn't he been holding onto Constance, too? Even were he still in Paris, she would still be married and unable to be with him. Maybe it's time to take his own advice.
Maybe it's time he moved on, too. ]
You have to try. Even though you'll always love him, you can't let that stop you from living.
no subject
[ then again, she would have said the same about stefan, and she got over him well enough. it's different with damon, though. she was never allowed to fall out of love with him before he was taken from her. and there is a part of her that feels as though moving on would somehow be a disservice to damon's memory, like letting go of him would mean she didn't actually love him. there's a pause, and then she continues, slowly. ]
Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am holding myself back. I guess I just feel like... Letting go of him would mean I never really loved him in the first place. I don't want to not love him. For years, I tried to pretend I didn't love him, and I cheated myself out of the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to hold on, even now that he's dead.
[ she's never thought of it like this before, but as she speaks she knows it's the truth. not only does she know it's the truth, she knows it's an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking, and she runs her hand over her face with a sigh. ]
I have a lot to think about now, d'Artagnan. Do you think we could talk about this again sometime later? I'm not trying to give you the brush off, I just didn't realize some of this stuff and I need to think about it more.
no subject
[ Especially when it's someone who died. Holding on to that will make her miserable.
He knows grief isn't so easily overcome, though. It has to run its course, and he believes that it eventually will. Even if she can't see that now. ]
It's all right. You called me. If you want to talk again, I'll still be here.
no subject
[ elena can see the truth in d'artagnan's words, but she can't feel it. it feels like if she lets go of damon she'll be betraying him somehow. he would never give up on her, not even in death, so what right does she have to do any less for him?
letting out a long breath, elena pushes her hand through her hair. obviously she's not going to make any headway through this kind of thinking in just one go. ]
Thank you. You're a good friend, d'Artagnan. We'll talk again soon.
[ and with that she ends her end of the call. this has all been a lot to think about, and she knows she should probably keep mulling things over, but to be perfectly honest all she wants to do is go get drunk in one of the hanaguchi clubs. so that's exactly what she's going to do. ]