[ It's not Jack that he feels awkward about. He hadn't kissed Jack. Things are complicated enough with Hanna, especially now that he's told her about Constance. Should he even have worried about that? Apparently she thinks nothing of being naked with other men on a regular basis even when she's not with them at all. If he did the same with Alina, would Hanna be all right with that?
He has no right to say that she can't. Whether he's comfortable with it or not doesn't matter, when he knows he cannot let go of Constance either way. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
It's not for me to ask you to stop. If she thought I needed to know about it, she would have told me, or she would have stopped already. Clearly you care more about it bothering me than she does.
You come from a very different time than her. It's probably hard to understand, but you shouldn't think it means she cares less for you.
[ seeing as it hadn't really occurred to him as being something horrible before really trying to look at it from the perspective of someone from the age where showing ankles was scandalous. he doubts it would have for hanna either. ]
[ he pauses for a long moment, not sure how honest about this he should really be. were it someone he cared less about, on either side, he'd probably give some sort of noncommittal 'that's too bad' answer, tactful but empty, and carry on.
but these two are the closest friends he has. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I can't say I'd particularly blame her.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You're pining for a woman who won't have you. Despite whatever reason, that's the singular fact. A woman who won't have you in a world that you won't be going back to for a very long time.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you expect her to waste her happiness waiting for you to decide she's worth taking the risk for?
[ he knows how that turns out. joseph, is how that turns out. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One or the other of you could be dead tomorrow, in this business.
And yet when I told you about Constance, you were the one who told me not to give up.
[ The difference now is obvious to d’Artagnan. Then, Jack had been encouraging him for his own sake. Now he’s thinking about Hanna. Which is fair, and he can’t blame him for it, but that does tell him where Jack stands. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No, I don’t expect her to wait, and I didn’t ask her to. I can’t help who I fell in love with, Jack. If I could, I’d have changed it long before now.
That was when you didn't have an opportunity directly in front of you for happiness, that's willing to do more for you than she is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And, before we started dropping like flies.
[ it brings things into perspective - the incident just recently. he's read the files from macha, he knows what they're up against. this mission won't be like ajna. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Suit yourself. Hanna's a strong girl. She'll deal with it.
Maybe it will. That doesn't mean I can promise it will. I wasn't trying to hurt Hanna, Jack, I was just being honest. I owed her that much. Maybe she's the one who needs to find someone more available.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
In case Topher gets ideas. He's a sly little shit.
no subject
An idea that's worse than what you're actually doing?
no subject
I'm not doing anything. I'm hanging out with my friend. Is that a crime?
no subject
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No. Of course not. You and your friend can lie together as often as you like.
no subject
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
If you want, I'll stop. It was just that neither of us really cared before. But we can quit it just the same.
no subject
He has no right to say that she can't. Whether he's comfortable with it or not doesn't matter, when he knows he cannot let go of Constance either way. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
It's not for me to ask you to stop. If she thought I needed to know about it, she would have told me, or she would have stopped already. Clearly you care more about it bothering me than she does.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm not her favourite person right now, anyway.
no subject
You come from a very different time than her. It's probably hard to understand, but you shouldn't think it means she cares less for you.
[ seeing as it hadn't really occurred to him as being something horrible before really trying to look at it from the perspective of someone from the age where showing ankles was scandalous. he doubts it would have for hanna either. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Why's that?
no subject
I told her about Constance.
[ Given that he'd told Jack the full story, weeks ago on Selena, he doesn't think he needs to explain further. ]
no subject
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And how well did that go?
no subject
Better than I thought it would.
no subject
Which is relative to how bad you thought it would go. Honestly?
no subject
I thought she'd be angry. She wasn't, but I don't think she wants to see me outside of team duties.
no subject
but these two are the closest friends he has. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I can't say I'd particularly blame her.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You're pining for a woman who won't have you. Despite whatever reason, that's the singular fact. A woman who won't have you in a world that you won't be going back to for a very long time.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you expect her to waste her happiness waiting for you to decide she's worth taking the risk for?
[ he knows how that turns out. joseph, is how that turns out. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One or the other of you could be dead tomorrow, in this business.
no subject
And yet when I told you about Constance, you were the one who told me not to give up.
[ The difference now is obvious to d’Artagnan. Then, Jack had been encouraging him for his own sake. Now he’s thinking about Hanna. Which is fair, and he can’t blame him for it, but that does tell him where Jack stands. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No, I don’t expect her to wait, and I didn’t ask her to. I can’t help who I fell in love with, Jack. If I could, I’d have changed it long before now.
no subject
That was when you didn't have an opportunity directly in front of you for happiness, that's willing to do more for you than she is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And, before we started dropping like flies.
[ it brings things into perspective - the incident just recently. he's read the files from macha, he knows what they're up against. this mission won't be like ajna. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Suit yourself. Hanna's a strong girl. She'll deal with it.
no subject
So it would be better for me to pretend I feel nothing for Constance, while still being with Hanna because shes the one who's available?
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm sorry, Jack, but that's wrong. I won't do it to her, and you shouldn't want me to.
no subject
No. I want you to get over Constance.
no subject
Don't you think I've been trying? That's easier said than done. I realised that when I almost died, and she was all I could think about.
no subject
Then you're screwed either way.
[ there isnt really anything reassuring to say about that that doesn't feel full of shit to him. sometimes life just sucks. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One can hope time will change it.
no subject
Maybe it will. That doesn't mean I can promise it will. I wasn't trying to hurt Hanna, Jack, I was just being honest. I owed her that much. Maybe she's the one who needs to find someone more available.
no subject
I didn't think you were. However, you may wish to keep that in mind before kissing another girl here.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
It's not my emotional complication, d'Artagnan, you don't have to explain it to me. I was just giving an opinion.
no subject
I'd take that back, if I could. In that moment I thought things could be different. I made a mistake.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
This is me trying to make it right.
no subject
Giving her space is likely the best thing you can do for her, at this point.
no subject
What do you think I'm doing, Jack?
no subject
I know. I’m telling you you’re doing right.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)