[ D'Artagnan reaches out his hand for Koroleva, assuming that she wants to be petted. He doesn't mind. He's missed her these last few days, too. ]
Good.
[ He's quiet for a moment, just playing with the cat. Then, thinking that he probably won't get a better opportunity (that he hasn't already squandered, anyway), he glances at Alina. ]
I kissed Hanna.
[ Looking away again. ]
On Selena. I meant to tell you before, but things...got busy.
[ Koroleva nudges against d'Artagnan's hand. Her color is a softer color. Not intense, but not so dull.
But when he finishes his confession her color suddenly goes duller. Koroleva nudges a little more. ]
Oh. [ Alina says, a little more softly than she means to. For a second, she goes cold inside. There's this ache in her that she knows she bears no right to. Her fingers bunch over the skirt of her dress.
Her heart feels clenched in her chest as she finally forces out a soft smile despite her calmed breathing to control the reaction in her. ]
Romance really is in the air.
I've been wondering when you'd find someone yourself. About time. [ She gives a slightly awkward laugh as she looks over thataway. Suddenly that half of the room is so much more interesting. ]
[ Deep breaths. she can't get upset over something so foolish. He was never hers. She's engaged to someone else. She has no reason to be upset. And she definitely can't let him see it.
Koroleva presses her head into his hand and Alina finally turns back, her looks softening. Under control.
Never let them see you're human. ]
I just want you to be happy. Whatever that takes for it to happen.
D'Artagnan has never seen her like that before. Not Alina. She's one of his closest friends. He could always talk to her about anything. She'd come to him when she'd killed a man. She'd cried against his chest, and now...
He looks away. He lets his shoulder lean slightly on Koroleva's, and he pets the glowing marks on her neck. He wishes they were brighter. They, too, seem shielded with ice. ]
I understand. I'm sorry, Alina. I shouldn't have spoken of it.
No! [ She says instinctively, some of that ice melting at that threat. D'Artagnan is always honest with her. He's never lied to her. Never hid anything from her. He's trusted her more than she deserved.
She reaches out to touch the hand not on Koroleva, eyes pleading with him even if he isn't looking. ]
Please don't hide anything from me. It surprised me, that's all.
[ Her fingers squeeze over his hand. ] Please, d'Artagnan.
[ He looks down at Koroleva. He puts one arm around her neck, and pets her head while she lies on him. It's amazing to him that he ever found these creatures monstrous. Koroleva is nothing if not beautiful.
D'Artagnan's other hand squeezes Alina's. ]
It's not what you think.
Alina, half the time, I don't even know what I'm doing. There is another that I love. A woman, still in Paris, and still in my heart. I still think of her, often.
And yet I kissed Hanna. You think I should be happy? I'm not sure I deserve that at all.
[ A woman in Paris? Alina looks at him with curious eyes.
She moves closer to his side at that, her other hand coming to rest on his as she watches him. ]
Because you like two people? [ She asks incredulously.
Then laughs. ] d'Artagnan. I'm engaged to another man and I still... I still have feelings for you that I have no right to have. Do you think I don't deserve to be happy because of it?
It's not that simple. Love never is. Never has been. I've loved two others before this too. I don't think it's possible to only love one person and never feel anything else ever for anyone else.
You're not married. You've done nothing wrong. Don't think that you have.
[ He glances sharply at her when she says she has feelings for him. He knows that. He knows why she was blushing that time, he's not a fool.
She's right, though. He doesn't think that she doesn't deserve happiness. He wants Alina to be happy. He wants her to have everything.
But at those last words, he smiles without humour. ]
Is that what you think?
I'm not married. But she is, the woman I love. Constance Bonacieux. We had an affair, and it ended. We can't be together, but I love her still.
I shouldn't feel guilty for kissing anyone, but I do. Because I love her still. It's all wrong, Alina. This is what love does to people. It complicates everything.
Well she blushes slightly. Then scoots closer to him to lean against him, reaching to pet Koroleva with one hand while holding his still in the other. ]
It's her choice what she does. It's not your fault and I can't speak for her and her marriage. I don't know her.
But yes. It does complicate things. But it's worth it. Even when it crashes and burns, it's worth it. [ She says softly. ]
[ He's well sandwiched between the two of them now, which is actually fine with him. He pets Koroleva's head absently, while his arm rests against her warm flank. ]
She's...
[ He breaks off, the word ending in a kind of huffed, embarrassed laugh. ]
I met her when I first came to Paris. I was running from a group of men who thought I'd killed someone. Long story. Anyway, I told her I'd give her five livres to kiss me, and then I kissed her. The men ran on, and she threatened to gut me like a fish if I ever touched her again.
But she also drove her knee into the ribs I'd just broken, and I fainted a minute later. I woke up in her spare room, where I would live for the next two months.
[ It's strange to relate that story to anyone here. D'Artagnan ducks his head, remembering those weeks. It seemed like it had lasted longer, at the time. ]
She's the kindest woman I ever met. No one else would have done what she did.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And he answers to Bunny? ]
Does he really? I can't imagine anyone calling anyone that outside of the bedroom.
[ A glance. ] If that's where it started, I don't need to know.
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Or that it might have been that way for Bunny. ]
I don't know the origin of the name!
Now I don't want to ever ask...
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You mean you never asked?
I'm going to ask Kotetsu. I work with him now.
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[ She shakes her head. ]
I don't want to know if it is from the bedroom. You can keep that to yourself.
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Are you sure?
You were already talking about his balls.
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You're getting punched again while she glares at him. ]
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All right, all right! I'm sorry.
I'll stop teasing. I promise.
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Koroleva has mostly been resting quietly, but at this she gets up to come over and see what they're doing. ]
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Good.
[ He's quiet for a moment, just playing with the cat. Then, thinking that he probably won't get a better opportunity (that he hasn't already squandered, anyway), he glances at Alina. ]
I kissed Hanna.
[ Looking away again. ]
On Selena. I meant to tell you before, but things...got busy.
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But when he finishes his confession her color suddenly goes duller. Koroleva nudges a little more. ]
Oh. [ Alina says, a little more softly than she means to. For a second, she goes cold inside. There's this ache in her that she knows she bears no right to. Her fingers bunch over the skirt of her dress.
Her heart feels clenched in her chest as she finally forces out a soft smile despite her calmed breathing to control the reaction in her. ]
Romance really is in the air.
I've been wondering when you'd find someone yourself. About time. [ She gives a slightly awkward laugh as she looks over thataway. Suddenly that half of the room is so much more interesting. ]
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And then of course she says that, and he winces for a different reason altogether. He rubs Koroleva's neck, encouraging her closer. ]
Please, don't say that.
It was a kiss, we haven't--
[ He lets out a breath. ]
It's more complicated than that, for me. I just thought I should tell you, in case Hanna is ever here, and it surprises you.
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Koroleva presses her head into his hand and Alina finally turns back, her looks softening. Under control.
Never let them see you're human. ]
I just want you to be happy. Whatever that takes for it to happen.
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D'Artagnan has never seen her like that before. Not Alina. She's one of his closest friends. He could always talk to her about anything. She'd come to him when she'd killed a man. She'd cried against his chest, and now...
He looks away. He lets his shoulder lean slightly on Koroleva's, and he pets the glowing marks on her neck. He wishes they were brighter. They, too, seem shielded with ice. ]
I understand. I'm sorry, Alina. I shouldn't have spoken of it.
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She reaches out to touch the hand not on Koroleva, eyes pleading with him even if he isn't looking. ]
Please don't hide anything from me. It surprised me, that's all.
[ Her fingers squeeze over his hand. ] Please, d'Artagnan.
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I didn't mean to upset you.
[ His eyes lift back to hers again. ]
That doesn't mean I don't want to know, if I do. You've never pretended with me before, and I saw you. I don't want that.
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That both helps and doesn't. Koroleva rests her head in his lap, her color evening out a little more again finally.
Alina averts her eyes now, her cheeks burning and that tightness in her chest. ]
I have no reason to be upset. [ She says softly. ] I'm ashamed that I do feel that way. I shouldn't. I should be happy for you.
And I am. I'm a little of both I suppose.
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D'Artagnan's other hand squeezes Alina's. ]
It's not what you think.
Alina, half the time, I don't even know what I'm doing. There is another that I love. A woman, still in Paris, and still in my heart. I still think of her, often.
And yet I kissed Hanna. You think I should be happy? I'm not sure I deserve that at all.
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She moves closer to his side at that, her other hand coming to rest on his as she watches him. ]
Because you like two people? [ She asks incredulously.
Then laughs. ] d'Artagnan. I'm engaged to another man and I still... I still have feelings for you that I have no right to have. Do you think I don't deserve to be happy because of it?
It's not that simple. Love never is. Never has been. I've loved two others before this too. I don't think it's possible to only love one person and never feel anything else ever for anyone else.
You're not married. You've done nothing wrong. Don't think that you have.
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She's right, though. He doesn't think that she doesn't deserve happiness. He wants Alina to be happy. He wants her to have everything.
But at those last words, he smiles without humour. ]
Is that what you think?
I'm not married. But she is, the woman I love. Constance Bonacieux. We had an affair, and it ended. We can't be together, but I love her still.
I shouldn't feel guilty for kissing anyone, but I do. Because I love her still. It's all wrong, Alina. This is what love does to people. It complicates everything.
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Oh.
Well she blushes slightly. Then scoots closer to him to lean against him, reaching to pet Koroleva with one hand while holding his still in the other. ]
It's her choice what she does. It's not your fault and I can't speak for her and her marriage. I don't know her.
But yes. It does complicate things. But it's worth it. Even when it crashes and burns, it's worth it. [ She says softly. ]
I once loved that Darkling. Sometimes I still do.
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He stares at her now, his own problems momentarily forgotten. How can she say it's worth it, if this is what she's been through. ]
He put that collar on you.
He made you his slave. And you loved him?
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I didn't say it was right to.
But sometimes we can't help the way we feel. No matter how wrong it is.
At least I did leave him!
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D'Artagnan sighs. He moves his arm around her then, so that he has one around Alina and one around Koroleva, and he's hugging them both. ]
No. You're right. We can't always help how we feel. I know that far too well.
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Tell me about your love in Paris. You've never mentioned her before.
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She's...
[ He breaks off, the word ending in a kind of huffed, embarrassed laugh. ]
I met her when I first came to Paris. I was running from a group of men who thought I'd killed someone. Long story. Anyway, I told her I'd give her five livres to kiss me, and then I kissed her. The men ran on, and she threatened to gut me like a fish if I ever touched her again.
But she also drove her knee into the ribs I'd just broken, and I fainted a minute later. I woke up in her spare room, where I would live for the next two months.
[ It's strange to relate that story to anyone here. D'Artagnan ducks his head, remembering those weeks. It seemed like it had lasted longer, at the time. ]
She's the kindest woman I ever met. No one else would have done what she did.
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