So you're telling me that you're going to be naked in a bed, with Hanna, while she warms you up, but none of this has to do with sex and neither of you see a problem with that?
[ Can you feel how much he's judging? His eyebrows are in overdrive here. ]
I said mostly naked. We're still decent. [ it's the showers that they're naked in. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
No? Mostly just me. She's a space heater, though. If you had the options of 'freeze your balls off' or 'get in bed with Hanna', which would you choose?
[ It's not Jack that he feels awkward about. He hadn't kissed Jack. Things are complicated enough with Hanna, especially now that he's told her about Constance. Should he even have worried about that? Apparently she thinks nothing of being naked with other men on a regular basis even when she's not with them at all. If he did the same with Alina, would Hanna be all right with that?
He has no right to say that she can't. Whether he's comfortable with it or not doesn't matter, when he knows he cannot let go of Constance either way. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
It's not for me to ask you to stop. If she thought I needed to know about it, she would have told me, or she would have stopped already. Clearly you care more about it bothering me than she does.
You come from a very different time than her. It's probably hard to understand, but you shouldn't think it means she cares less for you.
[ seeing as it hadn't really occurred to him as being something horrible before really trying to look at it from the perspective of someone from the age where showing ankles was scandalous. he doubts it would have for hanna either. ]
[ he pauses for a long moment, not sure how honest about this he should really be. were it someone he cared less about, on either side, he'd probably give some sort of noncommittal 'that's too bad' answer, tactful but empty, and carry on.
but these two are the closest friends he has. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I can't say I'd particularly blame her.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You're pining for a woman who won't have you. Despite whatever reason, that's the singular fact. A woman who won't have you in a world that you won't be going back to for a very long time.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you expect her to waste her happiness waiting for you to decide she's worth taking the risk for?
[ he knows how that turns out. joseph, is how that turns out. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One or the other of you could be dead tomorrow, in this business.
And yet when I told you about Constance, you were the one who told me not to give up.
[ The difference now is obvious to d’Artagnan. Then, Jack had been encouraging him for his own sake. Now he’s thinking about Hanna. Which is fair, and he can’t blame him for it, but that does tell him where Jack stands. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No, I don’t expect her to wait, and I didn’t ask her to. I can’t help who I fell in love with, Jack. If I could, I’d have changed it long before now.
That was when you didn't have an opportunity directly in front of you for happiness, that's willing to do more for you than she is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And, before we started dropping like flies.
[ it brings things into perspective - the incident just recently. he's read the files from macha, he knows what they're up against. this mission won't be like ajna. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Suit yourself. Hanna's a strong girl. She'll deal with it.
Maybe it will. That doesn't mean I can promise it will. I wasn't trying to hurt Hanna, Jack, I was just being honest. I owed her that much. Maybe she's the one who needs to find someone more available.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
So you're telling me that you're going to be naked in a bed, with Hanna, while she warms you up, but none of this has to do with sex and neither of you see a problem with that?
[ Can you feel how much he's judging? His eyebrows are in overdrive here. ]
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FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Yes. That's exactly what I'm telling you. [ pls calm ur eyebrows, sir ]
We've been doing this since the first month on Ajna, it's sort of snow-tradition. [ is he making it better? he's totally making it better. ]
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
So you mean you regularly get naked in bed with Hanna?
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
And you called dibs! How many other people do this same thing? All of your roommates?
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I said mostly naked. We're still decent. [ it's the showers that they're naked in. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
No? Mostly just me. She's a space heater, though. If you had the options of 'freeze your balls off' or 'get in bed with Hanna', which would you choose?
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Well if it's as obvious as that, why are you the only one doing it?
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In case Topher gets ideas. He's a sly little shit.
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An idea that's worse than what you're actually doing?
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I'm not doing anything. I'm hanging out with my friend. Is that a crime?
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No. Of course not. You and your friend can lie together as often as you like.
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FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
If you want, I'll stop. It was just that neither of us really cared before. But we can quit it just the same.
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He has no right to say that she can't. Whether he's comfortable with it or not doesn't matter, when he knows he cannot let go of Constance either way. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
It's not for me to ask you to stop. If she thought I needed to know about it, she would have told me, or she would have stopped already. Clearly you care more about it bothering me than she does.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm not her favourite person right now, anyway.
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You come from a very different time than her. It's probably hard to understand, but you shouldn't think it means she cares less for you.
[ seeing as it hadn't really occurred to him as being something horrible before really trying to look at it from the perspective of someone from the age where showing ankles was scandalous. he doubts it would have for hanna either. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Why's that?
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I told her about Constance.
[ Given that he'd told Jack the full story, weeks ago on Selena, he doesn't think he needs to explain further. ]
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FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And how well did that go?
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Better than I thought it would.
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Which is relative to how bad you thought it would go. Honestly?
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I thought she'd be angry. She wasn't, but I don't think she wants to see me outside of team duties.
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but these two are the closest friends he has. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I can't say I'd particularly blame her.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You're pining for a woman who won't have you. Despite whatever reason, that's the singular fact. A woman who won't have you in a world that you won't be going back to for a very long time.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Do you expect her to waste her happiness waiting for you to decide she's worth taking the risk for?
[ he knows how that turns out. joseph, is how that turns out. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One or the other of you could be dead tomorrow, in this business.
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And yet when I told you about Constance, you were the one who told me not to give up.
[ The difference now is obvious to d’Artagnan. Then, Jack had been encouraging him for his own sake. Now he’s thinking about Hanna. Which is fair, and he can’t blame him for it, but that does tell him where Jack stands. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
No, I don’t expect her to wait, and I didn’t ask her to. I can’t help who I fell in love with, Jack. If I could, I’d have changed it long before now.
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That was when you didn't have an opportunity directly in front of you for happiness, that's willing to do more for you than she is.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And, before we started dropping like flies.
[ it brings things into perspective - the incident just recently. he's read the files from macha, he knows what they're up against. this mission won't be like ajna. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Suit yourself. Hanna's a strong girl. She'll deal with it.
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So it would be better for me to pretend I feel nothing for Constance, while still being with Hanna because shes the one who's available?
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'm sorry, Jack, but that's wrong. I won't do it to her, and you shouldn't want me to.
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No. I want you to get over Constance.
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Don't you think I've been trying? That's easier said than done. I realised that when I almost died, and she was all I could think about.
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Then you're screwed either way.
[ there isnt really anything reassuring to say about that that doesn't feel full of shit to him. sometimes life just sucks. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
One can hope time will change it.
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Maybe it will. That doesn't mean I can promise it will. I wasn't trying to hurt Hanna, Jack, I was just being honest. I owed her that much. Maybe she's the one who needs to find someone more available.
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